Le Enigmatic Abstraction

Sigh Young

2012-02-20T00:55:00.008+08:00

Sigh. A sigh of relief. Of surrender. Of regret. Of being desperate. Of melancholia. Of getting used to things. And of a lot of other things that I’m kind of tired to write about. Of exhaustion… Sigh.

My earliest memory of “sighing” was when I was in high school, having a crush on someone I couldn’t have. And never did. Lol. My family and I were having dinner back then but my mind was somewhere else… With someone else... Was imagining things that could never happen, would never happen, and never happened.

I sighed out of desperation ‘cause I was kinda obsessed and felt like I like him enough to want to be with him, but then realized that would never happen.

Haayy…

My sighs nowadays are all about surrender and acceptance, but might also be sprinkled with a little amount of desperation. There are some life issues that I could never do anything about just yet. I just have to take my life as it is now with acceptance. I haven’t done anything huge yet that would serve as a turning point and change my path. I’m still facing the same dramas and I still kinda feel powerless to rebel against them.

I just breathe them all in and let out an intense SIGH that won’t really make a difference but will sort of ease the heaviness I feel inside.

Hhaaaayyyy…

2012-02-18T01:00:00.001+08:00

You thought pulling out your hair would unleash all the negative thoughts in your head.
Only a few strands are left but these killer thoughts are still there.
Now they’re crawling under your skin so you turned to your fingernails then started scratching.
The pain never really goes away…

Idealist Much?

2012-01-23T20:11:00.002+08:00

I drive you crazy and you do the same.

I should stop blaming other people for my mishaps. Not that I’m blaming them right now… It’s just that whenever something unfortunate happens, sometimes others are automatically dragged into the problem.

If I didn’t want to do something with all my heart, but did it anyway then it didn’t turn out good, I guess I’ve no one to blame but myself. If it didn’t turn out good kasi maraming epal or maraming obstacles at pakalat-kalat mga kontrabida, then I still couldn’t blame them! They’re just doing their part on making my life miserable. I think in the end, it’s still my fault that I wasn’t able to do my best to overcome these things and do the task assigned. I only have myself to blame. No one else. Haaay.

%%%%

I’ve been here before. One day I’ll wake up and it won’t hurt anymore.

I’m caught up in this web of mediocrity. Whatever twist or turn I make, I’m still stuck. Seems like there’s no way out. Maybe I haven’t made that life-changing pivot yet… something that would really save me and help me get out of this trap.

These strings leave me paralyze. I usually end up looking at the horizon and thinking about what I’m capable of doing once outside of my boundaries. I’m done staying on the safe side and experiencing life half-baked.

Tangenuh, wait for it.

So this is goodbye.

20 Ways to Get Good Karma

2012-01-09T21:39:00.003+08:00

Instructions for Life by The Dalai Lama

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three R’s:
- Respect for self,
- Respect for others and
- Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.

20. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

GV! GV! GV! GV! ♥

Wrong Impression

2012-01-08T01:02:00.000+08:00

When I was in elementary, I was once yelled at by my teacher in front of the whole class because she thought I was making faces. And this was my favourite teacher, by the way. She was reprimanding us about something when she noticed me rolling my eyes, smirking, etc. But as far as I know, I wasn’t. I was just being my usual self. I don’t know what I was thinking then but I don’t think I was actually listening to what she was saying. I was probably making weird/insulting faces because of whatever was in my mind that time. It usually wanders on its own. So anyway, another instructor told my mom that when she was lecturing, I kept on rolling my eyes and it irritated her. She didn’t scold me in front of the class but I was still surprised when I learned about it. I wasn’t really doing anything wrong. If I was really rolling my eyes, well, I wasn’t conscious about it.

I don’t know what’s about me that give people the wrong impression. I hate to break it to you guys but I’m not maldita, suplada, masungit, or anything of that sort. I’m actually a very nice person deep inside. Hehe. I’m sure you’d love me if you got to know me. And I’m not saying these things out of conceit or being too much self-absorbed.

I just hate it when I learn from other people that so and so didn’t like me because I was too unapproachable. Girl, did you even try to approach me in the first place? Yeah, there’s that. I’m just “too quiet, it’s scary sometimes,” but I’m actually really nice. Believe me. I could come up with a lot of pleasant things to say for you to like me. Just keep in mind though that everything that would come out of my mouth is in its most sincere form. No bullshit.

****

The past has its rude way of getting back into our lives repeatedly. They would remain with us forever even though we don’t want them in our lives anymore. Why? ~~Katamad.~~ Will elaborate next time.

I don’t even have a holiday post, for chrissake.

2011-12-31T02:03:00.002+08:00

I over think, I know. And I’m not sure if it’s a positive or negative thing right now. Yes, it kills. It doesn’t give you peace of mind. But it makes you see all possible angles and/or turns in a situation. You might be wrong, in the end, but since you rather expected the worse already, somehow, you’d be prepared when one of the possible scenarios that you made up in your head comes. Right?

Ayoko athindi ko kayang magalit ng sobra kasi alam ko nasaktan ka rin lang naman. And I’ve been there. I know the feeling.

Ayoko na magassume and all. Sana yung iba din. Di porket may something, lahat ng ginagawa ko may kinalaman na dun. I’m a LOT of stuff compressed in this frigid body. So. Ayun. Go figure. Bahala na ulit magisip yung mga tao. After all, who am I to put ideas in your head? May sarisarili tayong utak kaya walang pakialamanan.

But, hey. Di ko alam san nanggagaling to. I’m typing straight from my head. Kung ano lang lumabas sa utak ko. Ayun. Bahala na si Batman. Or Spiderman. Or kung sinumang superhero. Hehe.

****

Like, whatever. This is so last year. I promised myself na hindi na ko makikialam, di na magrereact mashado, at hindi na papansinin yung mga papansing tao. They can go to hell for all I care. Ew. So. What I have to do now is mind my own business (though I don’t actually have one) and amuse myself with things that are actually worth my time and focus on people that are truly worth it. Yeah, there’s that.

As long as I know the truth, alam ko may laban ako. To think na imaginary pa yung mga “kaaway” ko. Anobanamanyan. Kaloka. Di ko alam kung nagiilusyon lang ba talaga ko o I can foresee the future lang. Hehe. I’m one step ahead of things minsan. I just know. I’m not sure if this is a Pisces thing with all our intuitive behavior whatever, but yeah… There are scenarios that I play in my head tas nagkakatotoo. Yieee. I’m psychic like that.

Katamad magEnglish minsan. But who cares! Anyway. That’s it for now. I MIGHT post my New Year’s resolution here later, but…Katamad. Ewan. Whatever goes.

On second thought…

Yeah, I think it would be nice to post something here for the New Year. Makapag move on lang sa 2011. Get it? Move on…

Ken Na Magaling

2011-12-23T02:12:00.001+08:00

I just realized this earlier… And I’m sort of sleep typing right now so… Whatever.

I just realized that Ken, aside from being the one and only love of my life, makes me think about things that I know I cannot think of by myself. As I said in one of my past blog entries, well, he lights up my world. He really enlightens me at times. Like, almost literally. Chos.

Being a proud and somewhat know-it-all kid that I am, I’m often the one who corrects people and make them realize their mistakes. I don’t always tell them directly that they were wrong at doing something. I want the revelation to come out of their mouths. I just give them examples or questions that would lead them to the truth that they are sometimes too blind to see.

But with Ken, especially when we’re arguing and I am sort of doubtful of myself as well, there are times when he’d contradict me and I would be too lost to say anything. I’d be somehow enlightened by what he said that it’d take me a couple of seconds to answer him back. And although I already knew I’m wrong and I already realized my mistake, I’d still force myself to come up with something just for the sake of not admitting defeat and not being pahiya.

Only he could make me realize my shortcomings. And I’m glad he’s that person. It would be so uncomfortable if it were someone else. He’s the ONLY person in this world who knows me aside from myself. Word. I’m a million percent sure that Ken’s the only person who knows me inside out. And I love him so very much so consider me lucky. Very, very lucky at that. He knows EVERYTHING about me yet he’s staying. I’m still kinda surprised that he’s still with me and he even assured me that he’s not going anywhere no matter what.

And as time goes by, I just adore him more. He’s someone I know I could look up to for the rest of my life. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, loving him, and breathing for him. Word.

****

So. Sabi ko nga inaantok na ko…
Hi, Ken! ♥ Will see you later! >:D< Happy 1 year, 3 months, 1 day, my love! :* :*

Like Craaaazy

2011-12-18T03:17:00.009+08:00

I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it, but I didn’t, not really. Only the smudgeness of it; the pink-slippered, all-containered, semi-precious eagerness of it. I didn’t realize it would sometimes be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. Because it’s the halves that halve you in half. I didn’t know, don’t know, about the in-between bits; the gory bits of you, and the gory bits of me. -- Anna

Satirical, isn’t it. And the duration of my crying throughout the movie was almost equal to the half of it. I saw parts of myself in all the three main characters. One’s when Sam (played by Jennifer Lawrence) was crying on Jacob’s (Anton Yelchin) arms because she heard, yet again, about Anna (Felicity Jones); I remember how my face was contorted in front of the mirror a few hours ago. Theirs were honest to goodness acting. Even if not in a long distance relationship, the audience could totally relate to what the characters were going through. The film explored what actually happens in relationships: how it affects the things that surround them, how the external factors affects, and how and why people do all they can to deal with hardships and strive to hold on to what really matters to be able to be in that place they call home.

They were torn between staying together and moving on from each other but not being able to. They already know they were meant to be together. Being with each other and reliving the past became an addiction that was so hard to shake off that even when they were seeing other people, they still exhaust each other with the idea of “them” forever and ever. They both know they won’t be able to get rid of each other. They became each other’s piece. It’s obvious they can never live without the other. It was like it’s okay for them to fool around with other people ‘cause each thinks that the other would still be able to accept them; that they would still end up together, no matter what. Being selfish and not thinking about the people they would hurt. They belong together for them.

Towards the end of the film, I kind of got lost and forgot what the point of everything was…

But...

It’s about hoping that in the end, after confusing words were spoken, glances were exchanged, spending nights by yourself, deceptive moments shared with someone else, after all liquors were drunk, and despite the distance, you’d still be the chosen one; that love really conquers all and is the most powerful emotion or force in the world. That no matter how many struggles lovers may experience, as long as their love for each other and their desire to be in each other’s arms are very genuine and strong, they could and would still end up together with their treasured, sacred love.

Or…

Anyway, I just wish that the protagonist’s name were different. The commonality of it annoys me. I guess life’s playing its little joke on me again. Tsktsk.

And…

I just missed Ken more. There are still some things to sort out between us. And I’m still on the verge of pulling out my hair and scratching my skin… Like crazy.

Let’s remember what we said about forever.

Never Say Never

2011-12-17T23:00:00.003+08:00

Here we go again.

I always find myself in this kind of situation: with a pathetic face, messed up hair, slouched posture, and god-forsaken eyes. It’s always me versus the world and to tell you the truth, I never win. I always end up feeling sorry for myself, shaking my head, saying, “I knew this would happen.” I’m not sure why I always struggle to get everything my way when I know there are external forces that would just always blow me away and prove to me that I would always be that silly little girl that has no chance on, well, almost everything.

But knowing doesn’t actually stop us from doing something we already knew would hurt. Because it never hurts to try. And hurt always arrives latterly. You’d just realize it’s there when you could already hear the sound of your heart breaking, making its way down to the floor in slow motion, as if its making you realize so damn hard what you lost or are starting to lose. It’s not the breaking that hurts the most; it’s hearing it break to pieces, shattering like your favourite chinaware; it’s knowing that even if you find a way to put them back together, it would never ever feel the same. It would always twitch, reminding you of how much pain you’ve endured. *SIIIIGH*

And then this song plays on the background… Thus this post’s title… Talk about perfect timing…

What I hate most about being hurt is the fact that no matter how much I distract myself, I would always have that split second out of mind/body experience. It’s rather hard to describe but I’d try… Uhm. For me, it’s like being out of this world. It feels like nothing else ever existed but you and an enveloping darkness that you wouldn’t be able to run from. It’s the rush of memories drowning you. It’s the random emotional outbursts that would be available all throughout the day. Unlimited, for that matter. It’s tearing up when you least expect it. It would make you wonder about the things that could and would happen now that you’re sort of on your own, even, at least, for a while.

And there would always be that thinking-about-you moment. I’d wonder what you’re doing. I’d think about whether loneliness is keeping you company as well. If we’re still both in this together. Or if you’re sound asleep already, while I’m wide awake, scared to close my eyes and have these motherfucking nightmares. Vivid nightmares that would make me wanna wake up immediately or would seduce me into sleeping forever.

I hate this feeling. Finding myself in this situation is indescribable. It really makes me want to take the easiest way out. Like kill myself or something. I don’t like struggles. And conflicts. I may appear strong, it would seem like I don’t care, but deep down inside the deepest corner of my center, I know that I’m wasting away. And I’m really losing it. What only keeps me from shutting down the life spark is not yet being ready to face nothingness. I’m still dealing with the fact that after this life, I would be completely erased on this planet. And not seeing what would happen to the people I love after my death makes me worry, too. See, I still care about you guys. Why can’t you see that!

I couldn’t accept that what I have now is all that I could ever have. I couldn’t just sit up straight and wait for things to happen. Ranting about it and complaining about it is what I do best. Hey, at least I’m doing something… I’m just waiting for the perfect time to restart my life. I love what I have and I’m very thankful about them. It’s just that I know that this isn’t everything for me yet. I know my life could be better. And I also know that talking or blogging about my problems won’t get me anywhere… Duh.

It’s just that not having anyone actually listen to what you have to say is making my insides rot. It makes everything that I’m going through a million times hardeeerr.

I’m in this shithole again. And instead of crawling out of it, I confuse myself into sliding farther away from the exit. I really don’t know what to do. If I had a brain, I would gracefully use it more often than I use my heart. I’m fucked up… Again. And again. And again.

I Take My Dreams Seriously

2011-11-27T18:03:00.001+08:00

So, last night I had a dream. What bothers me is that I sort of had the same dream before.
It was a group swimming and I was with my “friends.” I had no idea who they were. They weren’t part of my real life. I just knew that we were friends (in my dreams, at least). So anyway, we went to the beach. In the first dream, I didn’t swim. It was as if I was scared with the water. I could see the current and I was too scared to jump in. I just sat by the seashore, made myself a little wet by playing with the small waves that rushed to me, and watched as my friends enjoyed the water. However, with the same setting in my dream last night, I plunged right it. I was floating… My mind was adrift… I let the current take me… After a few minutes of losing myself, I realized I was already in the middle of the ocean. I panicked. I rushed back to the shore…

I searched THIS SITE for the meanings, and voila! They fit.

* To dream that you are swimming suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.

* To see the sea in your dream represents your unconscious and the transition between your unconscious and conscious. As with all water symbols, it also represents your emotions.

A Thousand Playcount

2011-11-26T19:23:00.006+08:00

I’m not a fan of Breaking Dawn, to begin with. I don’t think RPattzz is as gorgeous as hell, or Taylor Lautner’s sizzling hot… and I’m not being sarcastic. I’ve read the whole saga (Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn) out of sheer curiosity. I’ve watched all three movies and I’m still planning to watch the last two. But I’m not a fan. I swear it was out of curiosity and/or mediocrity; I’m not a fan. Hehe. I even thought I am more imaginative than the author. Kidding. But. I love Kristen Stewart with my whole heart and I can’t miss any of her movies! I don’t care about what people say. I know she has a sweet smile, so for those who says she doesn’t even smile, get a life.

Someone from Baguio tweeted or posted on FB that Christina Perri’s A Thousand Years that is included in Breaking Dawn’s OST was superb or something, so I watched it on YouTube, wasn’t let down, downloaded the whole album from KickAss Torrents and then listened to the song for about four hours, straight. Whew. I instantly fell in love with it! I guess it’s because I kinda fancy Christina Perri, too. Hehe.

Moving on… Ken and I were crashing the mall earlier today and passed by the cinemas when they were playing the song! Talk about timing and coincidences… The song was already halfway when we caught it so we waited for it to start again. I told him it’s our theme song from now on. *wink*

Check out the music video of the song with clips from the movie, Breaking Dawn. Yay!

I can’t wait to watch Breaking Dawn! Again, it’s solely because of the stunning Kristen Stewart. ♥

My Job Haunting Experience

2011-11-20T16:35:00.004+08:00

Yeah, it was sort of haunting.

On Thursday, November 17, Xang and I decided to go to UP-Ayala Techno Hub to look for work. My mom’s patient who works in HSBC told us to apply.

Xang arrived at my place at around 9.30am. I hadn’t taken a bath yet when she came so she had to wait for me for at least an hour before we could leave for TH. We went to SC first to buy some things and prepare ourselves for the so-called job interview(s) that we’d be dealing with. At this point, Ken had been texting me that he’s arrived at Techno Hub already and was waiting for us at Ministop.

Now to my dismay, I left my ID at home. Dang. It didn’t occur to me that I would be needing it. Hehe. It’s a good thing Ken was with us to save the day. He went to my place and then asked my mom for the ID. While we were waiting for Ken, Xang and I decided to hang out at Ministop. A few seconds passed and then some girl from Teletech approached us and asked if we were applying for jobs and if we could go with her for a while.

Since we went there not to waste time, we said okay to the girl and went with her inside Teletech. To make the story short, applying in Teletech didn’t push through. I enjoyed munching on their free Pizza, though. Yum!

At around lunchtime, Xang, Ken and I went to HSBC. I texted my mom’s patient but she wasn’t replying so we just got on with the application without any guidance or help from her.

I passed the initial interview via phone but failed their super hirap na exam. Gaddemit. While I was answering it, I feel like what I was reading was a language that is beyond this world. I wasn’t really prepared for it. I was completely lost in the first part of the exam. The next two parts were easy though, even if my seatmate kept on asking me questions and distracting me. Ugh. Since I wasn’t very sure about the first part, they call it Buplas btw, I knew then that I might not be hired. It was kinda heartbreaking, but not really. At least next time, I already know what to review on. Heehee.

When the guy there confirmed that I failed the first of three parts of the exam, I was kinda disappointed with myself. Well, yeah, it was technically the first job interview for me. But still… I despise being rejected, really. It’s too much for my proud self. Heehee. Good thing, though, Ken was there to hold me. After the guy at the reception desk dismissed us, I asked for Ken immediately and then hugged him. The day was very tiring; I wouldn’t have survived it without his loving and supporting self. Upon leaving HSBC, we ate our hearts out in KFC. Hehe. It seemed like a celebration or a blowout even if I wasn’t hired. Lol. Or we were just that hungry! :*

I was really kinda disappointed by not getting the job, but it was quite an experience. And Ken made it super worthwhile, yay! I know he’d be there for me no matter what. He already proved that.

When We Sleep

2011-10-27T11:55:00.005+08:00

"People always think that when you sleep together,
there’s always something that is happening in between the sheets and the bed.
But let me tell you, It’s not always like that.
The feeling of actually hugging each other until you fall asleep, the warmth of each other’s breath, and the total happiness in the morning when you wake up right beside them.
Everything may sound so good to be true,
but sometimes it takes a lot of responsibility and love to be able to be as wholesome as possible.
Sleeping with your special someone is one of the most heartwarming experiences you’ll ever have.
No nothing, simply hugging and smiling yourself to sleep."

MakapagReact lang: Walong Diwata ng Pagkahulog

2011-10-25T00:06:00.008+08:00

I guess the book Walong Diwata ng Pagkahulog by Edgar Calabia Samar came to me just in time. Well, the moment I decided to read it wasn’t really the first time it landed on my hands, but the time “life” kinda forced me to read it, I believe it was just right on time.

Jamie asked me to read the book earlier this year, I think, and said that I should because it’s weird or something, so I would definitely like it. But since I am not really fond of reading books in Filipino, I lent it to Gely instead.

However, because of some issues or misunderstanding or whatever that occurred, Jamie asked me to give her the book back (and all her things I still have that time, for that matter). So. I scheduled Gely for us to meet so I could have Jamie’s book in my hands again. I thought I couldn’t give her back the book yet without reading it. That’s why I did. And to my surprise, I became hooked!

I was currently reading The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami when I decided to read Walong Diwata ng Pagkahulog as well. And I was surprised when there’s a part in the book where the main character, Daniel, was also reading it! When I got to that part of the book, I thought that this came to me in the right time. The fact that I wasn’t able to read it the first time I held it meant that I was really supposed to read it when I actually read it. Like, whoa! I rather thought that this book was particularly written for me. Haha. I just won’t accept the fact that what was presented to me was just a series of coincidences.

I kinda told myself that the main character and I were somehow related. Lol. Daniel, like me, has been through different courses in college, reads the authors I’ve read, plus he’s a frustrated writer and so am I! :D Not to mention the fact that we’re both born in February; he’s on the 19th and I’m on the 23rd. My mom was born in Samar pa. Oha. Okay guys, believe me, there’s moooore. I just chose not to identify all our similarities here. Hehe.

The whole story was kinda weird in an unconventional way. Hey, I liked the book! I just kinda felt like the ending was bitin or something. Anyway… It kinda freaked me out when I thought that the whole story changes depending on who’s reading it. Like, the book rewrites itself with the reader’s struggles and personal thoughts. Idk. Maybe that was just my imagination running wild. Hehe. Yeah, there’s that.

Well, I’m suggesting you guys read the book so you’d have an idea of what I’m talking about. But if my hypothesis that the storyline changes depending on who reads it… Uh-oh. Then things that are written here won’t be true. Hehe.

It’s a different kind of experience for me since I’m not used to reading these kinds of stuff from Pinoy writers. I’m not sure what’s the trend here na… But. For me it’s the first of its kind. So. Just read it.

****

In my Komunikasyon 1 class, we were asked to analyze a book using PAPITS (don't ask). And I chose this book, yay!
And. The book is with it's owner now. Hee.

Credenda

2011-10-17T08:59:00.002+08:00

Turn away from the crowd and its fruitless pursuit of fame and gold. Never look back as you close your door to the sorry tumult of greed and ambition.

Wipe away your tears of failure and misfortune. Lay aside your heavy load and rest until your heart is still.

Be at peace. Already it is later than you think, for your earthly life, at best, is only the blink of an eye between two eternities.

Be unafraid. Nothing here can harm you except yourself. Do that which you dread, and cherish those victories with pride.

Concentrate your energy. To be everywhere is to be nowhere. Be jealous of your time, since it is your greatest treasure.

Reconsider your goals. Before you set your heart too much on anything, examine how happy they are who already possess what you desire.

Love your family and count your blessings. Reflect on how eagerly they would be sought if you did not have them.

Put aside your impossible dreams and complete the task at hand no matter how distasteful. All great achievements come from working and waiting.

Be patient. God’s delays are never God’s denials.

Hold on. Hold fast. Know that your paymaster is always near. What you sow, good or evil, that you will reap.

Never blame your condition on others. You are what you are through your choice alone.

Learn to live with honest poverty, if you must, and turn to more important matters than transporting gold to your grave.

Never meet trouble halfway. Anxiety is the rust of life. When you add tomorrow’s burdens to today’s, their weight becomes unbearable.

Avoid the mourner’s bench and give thanks, instead, for your defeats. You would not receive them if you did not need them.

Always learn from others. He who teaches himself has a fool for a master.

Be careful.

Do not overload your conscience. Conduct your life as if it were spent in an arena filled with tattlers.

Avoid boasting. If you see anything in you that puffs you with pride, look closer and you will find more than enough to make you humble.

Be wise. Realize that all men are not created equal, for there is no equality in nature, yet no man was ever born whose work was not born with him.

Work every day as if it were your first, yet tenderly treat the lives you touch as if they will all end at midnight.

Love everyone, even those who deny you, for hate is a luxury you cannot afford.

Seek out those in need. Learn that he who delivers with one hand will always gather with two.

Be of good cheer.

Above all, remember that very little is needed to make a happy life:

LOOK UP. REACH OUT. CLING SIMPLY TO GOD and journey quietly on your pathway to forever with charity and a smile.

When you depart it will be said by all that your legacy was a better world than the one you found.

-- fr. THE GIFT OF ACABAR by Og Mandino & Buddy Kaye

The Week That Passed…

2011-10-16T17:13:00.022+08:00

I almost never go out on Sundays. Even if I wanted to. It’s either there’s no one I could hang out with or I have nowhere to go. And well, yeah, I’m broke. So I have no choice but to stay at home. It’s one of those days I wish I had a job already. I need something I could spend, okay. But I guess I really lack any will or motivation to look for a job and therefore earn money. I would have one now if I were just THAT determined to earn. Or whatever. Fcuk this. So, yeah. I hate Sundays. It always reminds me how boring my life is.

Was really hoping I’d be able to see Ken on this Monday. But I didn’t. And I was supposed to apply for a job at IBM with Xang but she had to do some school work so we decided to cancel it.

At around noon, I texted Gely if I could get back some friend’s book that I lent her. She agreed then also asked if we could have lunch at McDo or KFC. We texted another highschool friend, Rosanne, and then went to her place at around two in the afternoon. Rosanne had to help another friend first, Camilla, so Gely and I just headed to CHE to watch and support her classmates and friends defend their thesis. I thought theses aren’t for me and that they should have never been part of being a student. Gely and I just chatted and share stories during that thesis defence. She gave me five grad photos and these are my favourites:

At madumi pa scanner :| Hey, Gely! Sorry for posting. I just had to. You are so very beautiful, that’s why! :D
Well, back to my story… After a few hours, Rosanne texted that they were finish already and we can go eat na. We met at Vinzon’s, then rode a jeepney to UP-Ayala Technohub, and had our super late lunch at KFC. If you could still call it lunch, that is. Hehe. It was a very fun day! :D We planned to eat at Cravings on 17, tomorrow, but I don’t think that would push through.

I guess it’s true what they say, that your highschool friends are your lifetime friends.

During the week before this, I’ve been spending some energy making something for Ken. I call it Love Pills. Lame? Well, whatever, I’m in love! ♥ I wrote some inspirational, cheesy statements on small strips of paper, folded it and then put it inside a small jar that I decorated. I told him he was supposed to get one each day. The total number of paper strips is 75, so the last strip would be on Christmas Day. Idk. I was inspired. Hehe. I gave it to him on this day. We spent the whole day at his place eating Tuna Pasta. It was love-filled and I was very ecstatic! ;)

Hey! This day inspired THIS ENTRY. Lol. I asked Ken to wait for me at SC ‘cause I’m not yet done pampering my pretty self. Hehe. But my mom saw him so he decided to just go to my place and wait for me there. He played with my little brother, Kaiser, while I was upstairs, changing my wardrobe repeatedly. I can’t instantly decide what to wear. So I just wore my gray shirt, skinny jeans and chucks. Then Ken and I went to SM North, had lunch there, window-shopped, walked a lot, ate a lot, cuddled a lot, kissed a lot, and pissed each other off a lot. But we still love each other a lot, to begin with. Hehe.

We did a lot of talking, yeah. And those were intellectual conversations, mind you. We had the strawberry sundae at Jollibbee in Trinoma, which was SORT OF a source of one of our past arguments/tampuhan or something. Although we parted ways in a not so cool manner, it was a very fun day, after all.

I stayed at home the whole day. I woke up at around noon, drank a cup of coffee, watched a few episodes of The OC and realized that I haven’t eaten anything yet. But since there was nothing to eat (at least nothing that I like), I just waited until dinner and finally was able to eat with gusto.

The boyfriend and I weren’t totally in good shape the other day but I still managed to go to his place because I so wanted to. And I miss him so much, already!

Though the day with him didn’t actually start modestly, we were able to smooth things over. We were all over each other until his highschool friends crashed his crib. I guess we needed to be somehow decent or something so I can’t just kiss him randomly. But anyway. It was okay and I didn’t lose my cool towards Ken, mostly. Hehe. I can’t say that I really enjoyed hanging out with them. I mean, I’m not really friends with everybody… But I can’t also say that I didn’t like being with them. I just feel like it wasn’t really my reality or something. I’m still very cool about it, though. And I managed to tease Ken a lot. You should’ve seen him. Hehe ;)

But. Sometimes it’s just so hard to make believe and detach yourself from what you actually feel. Uhm… To be able to save face? Idk. Uhm. Yeah, but whatever. I wasn’t born to please someone I’m not really fond of, anyway. Will probably explore more about the issue at hand someday. Or never. Hehe. Moving on…

Xang texted me the other night that the soulful band Up Dharma Down has a gig at the UP College of Science amphitheatre for the Friday Night Lights to promote their new album. I didn’t think I’d still be able to meet Xang after hanging out at Ken’s but just when I was at my house already, she texted me that I should drag my fat ass over there na while the band hasn’t played yet. I just lay down on my bed for a while, changed my shirt and then headed to the amphitheatre.

I wasn’t able to find Xang and the others immediately, so I just stood there by myself during the fantastic fireworks display. Oh, how I wished that Ken were there with me. It was somehow romantic, I even imagined us making out under the night sky, which came to life with all the flaring fireworks.

I didn’t know where the theatre was at first. I pretty much guessed where it’s located. I walked, jogged, and ran from my house on the way to NIGS. I was still a few blocks away from the venue but I could already hear the crowd. And they were screaming so loud. It was my kind of crowd, actually. Haha. Dang. I approached the crowd excitedly and saw a few familiar faces.

I wasn’t able to find Xang and the others immediately, so I just stood there by myself during the fantastic fireworks display. Oh, how I wished that Ken were there with me. It was somehow romantic, I even imagined us making out under the night sky, which came to life with all the flaring fireworks.

I found Xang and friends near the Hen Lin booth. When the band started playing, the crowd went wild and almost all the audience were singing their hearts out with Armi. It was such a wonderful night! I felt very light and happy. I miss nights like that one. It was very nostalgic; I actually didn’t feel like I was in UP Diliman. I felt so free and problem-less. I felt like it was a different kind of night; one that I am never used to anymore. I feel wonderful, really. And I wished with all my heart that Ken were standing there beside me, holding me in his arms.

Armi Millare, Up Dharma Down's vocalist, sings orgasmically:

Photo was taken by Xang :D And yes, we were THAT close to Armi!

The cat was sleeping by my feet when I decided to make fun of him. I was caressing him with my right foot at first and decided to pinch him using that foot as well. Being a cat that he is, his version of paglalambing includes biting and scratching, so he bit me. But it was just like a small puncture, I wasn’t even sure if it bled. I’m still worried I’d be Catwoman one day, though. But hey, ain’t that grand?!

It’s a Saturday and we supposedly have classes on Saturdays. Well, except that we’re on the semestral break already. But since I had to get out of the house and I needed to be with my counterpart, we just hanged out at the mall. And yes, we were at SM North Edsa, to be specific. It was fun! :D Every day with Ken is fun naman, even if we always have petty fights that sprout from God knows where. Miraculously, though, we didn’t fight during this day. When we got back at my place at around 4pm, we just sat and talked for a while and decided to eat again.

And then when it was time for him to leave, I was again left with my boring, lonely self.

A few DeMolay brods from Baguio asked me to go with them at the installation of officers of the Mabini lodge at Las Piňas. I did plan on going but later on decided against it. I had no regrets about that, though. I might be a little (if not super) bored at home but what the hell. At least I wouldn’t have given someone something to rant about for the upcoming week. So, I’m fine with that.

However, I’m still kinda worried about being Catwoman when I wake up tomorrow. Lol.

I hate Sundays.

That Awful Moment When I Thought My Cat’s Dead

2011-10-15T10:57:00.004+08:00

I swear I was ready to cry. I was so scared; I didn’t even dare to move forward. I was ready to cry because of the possibility that he was dead. I love that cat.

Bea and I exchanged a few nervous looks. A few moments later, the beloved cat finally moved. I even think that it suppressed a yawn when he saw our nervous faces. It finally said “meow,” then relief finally replaced the agony I felt. I let out a heavy sigh. He jumped off the CPU and we moved towards each other.

I held him with my both hands and told him that he scared me. Fuck that. I kept on scratching the back of his head while he was just purring incessantly.

I am so glad he was very much alive and nothing bad happened. He really scared me to death.

Aahh, that cat.

Talks

2011-10-15T10:57:00.002+08:00

Having intellectual conversations with him fires me up. It was an aphrodisiac in some sense. I become more attracted to him. There are times when his beliefs, the way they differ from mine, and his manner of explaining them seduces me. I can’t believe this man’s in love with me, I often tell myself.

I love the fact that I could tell him anything that’s on my mind without him judging me. Explaining our own sides in every issue helps in understanding each other, I guess. Although we don’t actually agree with what the other person has to say, we could always agree to disagree. The only important thing for me is that he understands what I said and why I said them. It’s important that although he doesn’t agree with me, he have in his mind my explanations on why I felt the things I feel (if ever I succeeded in explaining them).

I care about what he thinks, really. Even if I don’t understand why he did some things sometimes, I do my best to understand him, put myself in his shoes and try to see what I’d do if I were him. I admit that it isn’t an easy task. You can’t actually put yourself in someone else’s shoes and be sure that you could internalize what s/he’s exactly going through and understand the whys and causes behind it.

Another factor regarding my understanding of him is how he perceives me. I know I’m a huge pain in the ass and that there are times when even I don’t like myself. I can be too paranoid, demanding, controlling, and egoistic. I kinda have this disorder when I want everything to go according to my plan. I have an ideal vision of what should be done and I know that sometimes they are kind of impractical and unattainable. Stupid me. So yeah. I know I also have to consider the hardships of dealing with me in the picture. Being my counterpart isn’t an easy part to play or whatever you wanna call it… Hence, I should praise him for keeping up with me for a long time already.

‘Cause even I don’t understand myself. This entry became so confusing to me too. I was supposed to talk about how I love having intellectual conversations with him. I don’t really know how it shifted into our arguments to me being a pain in the ass. I don’t know. Go figure. Hee. I love him. <3

Smoking Kills

2011-10-15T10:55:00.000+08:00

It was as if the world stopped for a second when she realized what it was. It was when he bent forward a little and gave her a kiss that that particular smell sashayed through her nostrils. It was a faint hint of cigarette smoke that she dreaded among any other scents in the world.

She wouldn’t have been taken aback if only they haven’t talked about the issue a thousand times already. That habit has already heated a lot of arguments between them and should have been kicked out of the range completely. Is she asking too much? Was it too hard to accomplish? In that split second, a few number of pillars of trust that she built collapsed instantly.

After hearing out all her pet demons inside her, hearing them scream out their stands regarding the real issue that was there in the open, she just ignored them. Pretended that it doesn’t bother her. It shouldn’t anymore, right? She closed her eyes and chose to believe in something that wasn’t really there. She loves him so much, that’s why believing in the impossible is somewhat part of the whole loving plan. Therefore, she just smiled. She smiled at him and made herself focus into something else. Something less… important.

But still.

It was only later that day when she thought about what really happened inside her, the actual event that was instantly covered by the lingering smile she decided to show instead. She made her demons stand in court and voice all their troubles away. What occurred isn’t really good, mind you. They were all negative. They choose not to be caressed by words that are meant to comfort but are actually insincere.

It was like in every puff, every burnt part of that cigarette signifies her trust. Slowly diminishing every time. Every time “want” takes over “principles,” selfishness weighs more than being trusted, and a few seconds of escape wins over making your girlfriend happy, something is being taken away from both parties. Something that wouldn’t be restored no matter how hard one tries.

Yes, smoking kills. It was said that in every stick you suck, your life span decreases by a few minutes, I think… In the same way that it kills… Relationships.

Love/Hate/Life

2011-10-02T15:28:00.002+08:00

Well, tangina this.
I feel like I’m being lied to. By the whole world. Or this universe.
Today... I feel like I don’t actually know anything anymore. I feel like my whole life’s a lie.
Everything. What is LIFE, btw?!
I want to doubt everything but believe on them at the same time. Now, isn’t that being stupid.
Fucktheworld. At least my world…
Why do I always have to be reminded of my fuckedupness.
I just relaxed for a minute, and the next thing I know,
the awful things that I have to endure in my waking life has increased already.
I feel small. Pathetic. Crazy. Stupid. Me.
I’m not exactly sure what my current feelings are called right now.
I want to cry soooo baaaad. But I’m restraining myself from crying ‘cause I feel like if I let tears flow,
it’s like admitting that the fuckingworld has won over me again. And although I’m such a small creature living in this stupid, fuckedup big world, I still have to make a stand.
And shove up his ass the fact that I can’t be tamed.
Lol, what? Miley Cyrus, is that you? Lol.
I wish I made sense. Haaaay. I’m so tired. But I can’t give up now.

Heart. Break. Disease. Anyone?
FuckTheWorld.

SomethingIShouldHaveBloggedAboutButLaterOnDecidedAgainstIt

2011-10-01T00:39:00.003+08:00

Empty Apartment by Yellowcard

Call me out, you stayed inside
One you love, is where you hide
Shot me down as I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes
You forget where the heart is

Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening
Now, can't you see something's missing
You forget where the heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life? What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is

It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend

It's okay
It's okay

****

WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER. ^kinam.

The Couch Potato That I Am

2011-09-26T11:01:00.018+08:00

These shows keep me wanting more:
(Not in particular order)

1. Gossip Girl

Season Five Premiere: Monday, Sept 26

2. Glee

Now on it's third season. I watched the first episode earlier and Quinn's so hot, I was distracted. I hope she'd get longer airtime. That pink hair! *drools*

3. Vampire Diaries

Now on it's third season. Since Nina Dobrev would play three characters in this season, I think it'd be more exciting. I'm loving Katherine Pierce than Elena Gilbert, btw. Go girl!

4. Camelot

I've read on IFTN that there wouldn't be season two for this series anymore. Which kinda broke my heart. WHY?! I barely understand why. I liked it a lot! I was excited for season two the moment the 1st season was over. I wish that the people responsible for this show would change their minds. Anobayan.

5. Game of Thrones

Season two will premiere next year, yay! Please bring Ned Stark back to life. Everything's possible, I believe. Pretty please? It would never be the same without him. I'm sure I'd miss him a loooot. And oh, I still can't get over his death. Sad.

6. New Girl

The first episode was shown on Fox on Sept 20. I just watched it earlier and was laughing hysterically. And it's all because of Zooey Deschanel. She's super adorable! I honestly can't wait for the next episodes!

7. True Blood

Yes, there'd be a fifth season. Excited much? I can't wait too! In the meantime, I'd be reading the latest installment of the Sookie Stackhouse novels where the TV series was based, entitled Dead Reckoning.

8. Pretty Little Liars

Season two will continue airing next year. I can't wait. Seriously. Why does this show have a loooong mid-season break? I don't really like waiting! Argh! However, there would be a Halloween flashback episode that would premiere on October 19, 2011. Bring it on!

****

I'm also watching The Secret Circle as of the moment but not yet really hooked on it. It'll be airing its third episode this week. I'm kinda hopeful about this series, though, since I'm into witchcraft and I kinda feel like I have some kind of power in me. Lol. Will still try to find out how the show would progress.

****

So... What are your favorite TV series? :D

Turn It Off, Again.

2011-09-25T15:29:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I feel like the world is too big... Or too small.

Some days, I just wanna die. I wouldn’t want to die, in the literal meaning of the word… I just wanna lie down and rest... Close my eyes…Turn off my mind… Shut off myself completely.

Sometimes it becomes one of the things I wanna escape from. It feels so illogical and senseless sometimes. I just wanna be by myself sometimes. I want all the boundaries and limitations I have to imprison me. Put up barriers between the world and me.

Some days, I just wanna be alone… And I can’t blame hormones for that.

I’m so bored, I wanna cut myself to pieces. Create tension; make that red stuff flow outside my body and with it, all the negative thoughts I have. Be freed from something that doesn’t quench my need to comprehend. I just wanted to feel that stinging sensation and the throbbing pain I wouldn’t be able to escape from for at least a while...

I’ve been catching myself looking over the horizon, a lot. I can’t actually group together some words to come up with an explanation… And I don’t think I could come up with an excuse for this action, anyway. It’s just that I’ve been catching myself looking over at the horizon without actually realizing I was doing it… With my sad, disappointed eyes.

I’m kinda disappointed with my life right now, you know… And by how it’s turning out to be. Well. Not everything about my life though… I’m being such a big disappointment to myself and it sucks, really. I don’t know why I ended up here, what exactly I did, what’s the main cause of every wrong thing that eventually happened, what actually happened, and what were the first signs of trouble… *SIIIIGH*

We cry for the things we can’t understand. We’re scared of the things that might be lurking in the dark… Of what’s hiding under our beds at night, when we’re comfortably sleeping and we feel like everything’s sound and nothing would hurt us… Or of what we might find beneath the deep well that stays safe on the corner where we keep our darkest secrets… Swallowing up our ground, leaving us defenceless.

We’re so scared, we can’t do anything about it but cry.

Batman And Ken

2011-09-21T00:02:00.009+08:00

You read that right... It's Batman and Ken. Batman and Robin's so yesterday. At least in my life. Hee. Kidding.

Hey! That's my favorite superhero over there! :* And he goes by the name Ken, mind you. I favor Batman, too. But I'm just too goddamn purrfect for him, I settled with someone equally perfect... Ken. And I can proudly say, with my head held up high, that I've never been this happy in my entire, as in entire, life. It feels soooo good to have found someone I'm sure to spend the rest of my life with.

He's my greatest superhero of all time. He triggered in me a more positive life. He saved me from myself...

I would've wanted to share him with you guys. ~~(But not that much, though.. No, so not really.)~~ 'Cause I believe that every person deserves a loving man like Ken. It's just that I'm a hundred and ten percent sure that he would never ever take a second look at you or anyone else for that matter. Why, you may ask. Well, the sole reason is that... He is so abso~~fucking~~lutely in love with me and only I could provide him with everything he would ever need in this lifetime (and other lifetimes to come). So. No chance for you, ~~biatch~~.

After all, I'm the most interesting ~~but sometimes lethargic, not to mention beautiful~~ heroine in the whole wide world and universes that anyone would ever encounter. Period.

I love you, Ken. I so can't wait for 2NE2! :P :*

My Celebrity Alphabet Part 2

2011-09-16T20:07:00.013+08:00

So you've seen the FIRST PART of this topic. We'd now move on with the rest of my list.
So let's start off with the gorgeous Black Swan star:

Mila "Sweet Lips" Kunis. Those eyes are very captivating. Hnng.

Natalie Portman. Because It's Natalie Portman. FuckYeah.

Olivia Wilde. She's wild, man.

Penn Badgely. His jaws are to die for! Plus I love him as Dan Humphrey on Gossip Girl.

Quentin Trantino. He makes amazing films.

Rachel Weisz. Oh God. Just look at her. *SIGH*

Sean Bean. It's Lord Ned Stark of the Game of Thrones, guys. You can't argue with that.

Tyson Ritter of The All American Rejects. I was torn between him and Taylor Swift, btw.

Ugh-dam (Adam, actually) Levine. I know, I know.. Heehee. Well who wouldn't fall for that body? And his voice! OMG. Yes!

Victoria Beckham. She's from the legendary Spice Girls, she loves her babies, and I like her fashion sense. She's so classy.

William Beckett of The Academy Is

Xian Lim. Kudos to him. He's the only Pinoy actor who made it here. 'Cause he's the only celebrity I know and I like that starts with this letter. Hee.

Y can't I think of one? Hee. Or maybe this spot's meant for me. Haha. I'll just skip this.

Zooey Deschanel. She's that bitch from 500 Days of Summer. And she's awkward in a very adorable manner. You just gotta love her.

That's it, loves :* I hope you enjoyed viewing these stars as much as I liked doing this list! :D Hooraay!

My Celebrity Alphabet Part 1

2011-09-16T17:17:00.025+08:00

Angelina Jolie, Anna Paquin. I know this slot should only have one artist, but I love them both!

Brad Pitt. Because hello! He's Brad Pitt! And his wife's Angelina Jolie. Nuff said.

Charlize Theron. She's Aeon Flux, she kicks ass.

Dianna Agron I love her pink hair here.

Eva Green. She has too much boobies. Wish I could have some of those. Hee.

Fergie (for lack of a better artist) from the Black Eyed Peas

Gael Garcia Bernal. I kinda think he's underrated. He shouldn't be.

Hayley Williams. Because, Hey! She's Paramore's muse.

Ian Somerhalder aka Damon Salvatore of The Vampire Diaries

James-Fucking-Franco. Just because.

Kristen Stewart. Duh. Don't make me enumerate why. I just soooo love this young lady here.

Leigton Meester, mister. I like her sweet face. A lot.

To be continued... *wink*

It Ends Tonight

2011-09-14T23:18:00.008+08:00

I would never ever get tired of listening to this song. And of looking at Tyson Ritter's mukhang adik na face at katawan. Lol. I find him super sexy, I'm gonna faint. Oh, my Gooooooood. Haaaay.

Your subtleties, they strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all the wants, and all the needs
All I don’t want to need at all.

The walls start breathing, my minds unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted, on this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light, it ends tonight

A falling star, least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
You're finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight, it ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight, it ends tonight.

Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you’re the first to know...

Get Drunk

2011-09-12T16:35:00.002+08:00

-- Charles Baudelaire (Source)

The History of Love (An Excerpt)

2011-09-12T00:09:00.002+08:00

So many words get lost. They leave the mouth and lose their courage, wandering aimlessly until they are swept into the gutter like dead leaves. On rainy days, you can hear their chorus rushing past: I was a beautiful girl, please don’t go, I too believe my body is made of glass, I’ve never loved anyone, I think of myself as funny, forgive me… There was a time when it wasn’t uncommon to use a piece of string to guide words that otherwise might falter on the way to their destinations. Shy people carried a little bunch of string in their pockets, but people considered loudmouths had no less need for it, since those used to being overheard by everyone were often at a loss for how to make themselves heard by someone. The physical distance between two people using a string was often small; sometimes the smaller the distance, the greater the need for the string. The practice of attaching cups to the ends of string came much later. Some say it is related to the irrepressible urge to press shells to our ears, to hear the still-surviving echo of the world’s first expression. Others say it was started by a man who held the end of a string that was unraveled across the ocean by a girl who left for America. When the world grew bigger, and there wasn’t enough string to keep the things people wanted to say from disappearing into the vastness, the telephone was invented. Sometimes no length of string is long enough to say the thing that needs to be said. In such cases all the string can do, in whatever its form, is conduct a person’s silence.

-- Nicole Krauss, The History of Love

Bridesmaids OST: It's Raining - Inara George

2011-09-11T00:43:00.007+08:00

It's raining so hard
Looks like it's gonna rain all night
And this is the time
I'd love to be holding you tight
But I guess I'll have to accept
The fact that you're not here
I wish the night will hurry up and end, my dear

It's raining so hard
It's really coming down
Sitting by my window
Watching the rain fall to the ground
This is the time
I'd love to be holding you tight
I guess I'll just go crazy tonight

It's raining so hard
It brings back memories
Of the time that you were here with me
Counting every drop
About to blow my top
I wish the rain would hurry up and stop

I've got the blues so bad
I can hardly catch my breath
And the harder it rains
The worse it gets
This is the time
I'd love to be holding you tight
I guess I'll just go crazy tonight

****

I was watching Bridesmaids a few hours ago and heard this song somewhere in the middle of the movie and I instantly loved it.

I can imagine myself listening to this song during rainy days, missing my boyf. It's not even raining tonight but I miss him a lot already... I guess I'll just pretend that it's raining so I can feel the song and inhale its soothing melody... Feel it inside my body, caressing my heartstrings. Hee. I feel so sentimental just listening to this song.

****

The movie, by the way, is really really funny. I loved it! Praises to Kristen Wiig and the super stunning Rose Byrne. Yay! I got kinda emotional and missed my girl friends by watching this. I thought that this is one of the movies that I should be watching with them. Aww... Sad. It also has a lot of lessons that I should try applying to my life right now. Hmn...

Oh. And. This is one of the movies that I think I'd watch again. It made me laugh a lot. Hehehe.

Can You Relate?

2011-09-08T23:33:00.003+08:00

« You sit in your towel after a shower because you're too lazy to get dressed.

« You and your best friend can say one word, and crack up.

« You hate when one string of your hoodie is longer than the other.

« You hate it when people think you like someone when you clearly don't.

« You hate it when your favorite song comes on, as you pull into the driveway.

« You feel like if you turn on the lights, you will be safe from anything.

« You push those little buttons on the lids of fast-food drinks.

« You laugh until people get hurt, then stop when you realize it's serious.

« You hate it when parents get serious about something funny you tell them.

« You hate when you tell a guy to shut up and they copy you in a higher voice.

« You pretend to sleep when your parents come in.

« You text the person next to you things that you can't say out loud.

« You hate when people in front of you walk really slow and you can't get past them.

« You're always tired no matter how much sleep you get.

« You use the "sup" head nod. You just did the nod after you read it. (Lol Yeah!)

« You hate when you are mad at someone and they make you laugh.

« You check the fridge every ten seconds to see if food magically appeared.

****

Found this on Tumblr but couldn't find the original source. So... Yeah.

Speak Now: My Not So Secret Love For TSwift

2011-09-08T18:35:00.009+08:00

I’m currently listening to Speak Now, Taylor Swift's third album. It was released on October 2010, but I just listened intently to it last month. I kinda belittled this album since I WAS not actually a fan of Taylor Swift… until now. Sshhh… Don’t ask.

I downloaded this album the moment it was released but I never really got the time to listen to it with all my heart. Heehee. I just decided to take some of my time to listen to her and feel her after I noticed my siblings singing most of Taylor Swift’s songs from this album. And. Gosh. I became so addicted to it. I don’t know what’s there is about her and her voice but I instantly loved her. She’s so addicting, I kinda feel like I am under a spell.

Now, I make it a point to listen to her album every day. O diba. How’s that?!
Here are my favourite songs from the said album (in no particular order):

1. Sparks Fly
2. Back to December
3. Enchanted
4. The Story of Us
5. Mean
6. Innocent
7. Haunted
8. Speak Now:

(Related Post)

Zooey Deschanel Is The New Girl

2011-09-07T20:56:00.006+08:00

There’s this new series from Fox that would be aired this September. And it stars the super gorgeous Zooey Deschanel from the movie 500 Days of Summer. Can you please just watch the trailer below. Heehee.

I love how Zooey Deschanel can be super awkward and cute at the same time. Her character seemed too trying hard to be hot, likeable, and funny. But that's exactly why she's super funny. She's trying so hard without knowing it! Hahaha. Trying hard but still keeping it real. She can be anything she wants to be with proper guidance from the not-so-weird people in her life.

I also like the fact that this series is trying to show us how guy friends can help a girl regarding her love problems. I kinda relate to that, actually. Sometimes the best advices come from the people whom you least expect to get them from. There are really times when it feels so good to have your guy friends around, instead of girl friends. I even feel like there’s no pretentiousness when it comes to guys. As in no bullshit. No fuckery of some sort. And when they care about you as a friend, they really care about you. Do you guys agree with me? Or am I just super lucky to have reliable guy friends? Heehee.

I seriously can't wait for this new series!
For more information about New Girl, visit THIS PAGE :D

#nowwatching It's Kind of a Funny Story

2011-09-05T14:25:00.003+08:00

Could I Just Be Heartless?

2011-09-04T23:56:00.014+08:00

Emotions aren’t actually felt with the heart, including love. I’ve read somewhere that Love is just being associated with this shape: ♥ because when we’re hurt, it feels like it is breaking. We’d have a tight, stabbing feeling in our chest, making us feel like our heart’s hurting. It’s such an unbearable, uncomfortable pain that our brain would start yelling “I told you so.” It hurts once again. Why do I never listen to my brain? *SIGH* With this chest pain, maybe it’s really our heart that’s breaking. Even if the amygdala that controls our emotions is located at the brain… Plus. It wouldn’t look really appealing if we use a symbol of the brain to say “I love you.” Like, I [insert picture of brain here] YOU. It wouldn’t look as cute as I ♥ YOU. Agree?

All this heart talk because I kinda feel like my heart’s breaking tonight. I feel used, unloved, consumed, uncared for, and being lied to. By the people I love. Or is it just me? And. But. I don’t wanna feel these feelings tonight. Or ever. I wish I could take my heart out, keep it in a metal vault, and hide it in a dark, cold place where no one would be able to find it. I just don’t wanna deal with my heartache right now. Whatever its cause is… I wanna detach to some things. I keep on looking for a distraction. I just couldn’t find it.

I don’t know what’s happening to my life right now. I feel like it’s starting to be unfixable. I hate the things that are starting to become routine. I call them routine because I don’t really enjoy doing them. Quarrels, for example. It’s starting to be a habit... Us. Fighting. It’s been a fucking bitch that lurks around the corner… Hiding itself behind a lamppost down the street. Watching our every move. Ready to attack whenever it finds a crack. Such a bitch that’s starting to shake this foundation. *SIGH*

I’m fucking tired. Do you care.

Sunday Sneer

2011-09-04T19:03:00.006+08:00

I’ve been thinking hard about job interviews lately. My mind’s kinda set that I should be job-hunting already. It’s because the only way to earn money is to have a job, right? And I badly need money right now. For personal, luxurious reasons. Hee. I just realized now that it’s so hard to look for one, especially when you’re still not a college graduate.

I’ve always dreaded job interviews especially the part where you have to tell them something or anything about yourself. I don’t actually know how to start telling people things about me. I kinda feel like this would be the death of me. Chos.

I do know myself but when asked to tell or write something about me, it’s like I don’t really know who I am. Damn. I wish I could just ask them to read this blog and let them find out for themselves. That would be easier.

I just don’t know how to start, what to say, and how to say it. The topic’s so broad. I consist of a lot of things, that’s why. I stutter. My mind goes blank. Who the hell am I?

In other news…

I get really, really sad nowadays. I guess I can’t blame the hormones inside my body anymore. I feel like I need to see a psychiatrist already and ask her to prescribe me some anti-depressants. I’m so helpless. My God. I’m so fucking sad with my life right now. What sucks is that I know I should be happy. I just can’t figure out yet why I’m not.

Earlier today…

I was listening to Mellow 94.7’s The Twist and the Twisted Tell-All topic for the day was: WHAT’S YOUR TYPE? I wanted my answer to this question to be read on air but since I had no cellphone load and I wasn’t online, I would just put my answer here. Hee.

I don’t think I have a particular type. What matters to me is that we get along very well and the other person won’t try to change me or control me in any way. Because I like being myself. The people whom I used to “hang out” with don’t have certain characteristics in common, so I can’t tell if I have a particular type. Haha. I just need to be comfortable with them, whatever their type. Lol.

Ha-Ha-Heartbreak

2011-08-31T22:22:00.003+08:00

How dare people worry about something they’ve caused?
Not only friends nor boys come on go…
Everyone in our life comes and goes as they please.
They think they could just turn up in our life and walk away.
Turn up and walk away… Walk away.

Blind faith.
Why do I never learn?
In the end, the fact that
“You only have yourself”
Will be smacked right into your face and
There’s nothing left to do but turn your eyes into waterfalls.
No matter how hard you control the flow,
The current’s just too strong to be handled.

I always end up being hurt because I easily let people in.
They get too close to hurt me. I turn out stupid.
I never learn. I just realize all my mistakes when it’s too late already.
I never learn.

Is this the price I gotta pay for all the wrong things I did?
… To be taken for granted by the people I care for?

You know what sucks?
It’s the fact that I know I’ve been through this already.
I just can’t do anything to avoid it.

(I’m so emotional, I hate myself sometimes… //wrist)

℘.s. Æ ℓ٥ﻻ ﻉ√٥υ

2011-08-27T19:32:00.004+08:00

I’ve been amazed by the text art symbol above that’s why I used it as title. Heehee. Anyway…
After almost a week of just staring at the “New Post” page, I thought I should update this blog now (since it’s raining and the plans for tonight have been cancelled)…
Starting in 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

☒ My dad still hates me. Or something. We’re not talking to each other since forever. I don’t really care now. I’m already used to it. It just feels so weird now that when he needed something, like a glass of water, he’d call anyone but me even if I’m the one whose available or in sight. It’s so strange; we’re like strangers living in the same house. At least he doesn’t actually “require” me to do something for him anymore. I’m not sure if that’s something to be happy about, though. We live in the same house as if we’re not recognized in each other’s radar. Pfft.

☒ A few weeks ago, Xang planned to celebrate her birthday today. But due to some things that I should be upset about but not really, the celeb that was planned since last last week didn’t happen.

I was even KINDA sad last night when Ken told me he wouldn’t make it. I just badly wanted him to be there. I want to be with him at every possible time, event, or phenomena. Lol. I just can’t accept the fact that he couldn’t be always available when it comes to things like that. I know I should learn to live with that na. I have no hard feelings left anyway already. Anyway. The other participants for tonight’s supposedly celeb also backed out. They clamoured they were busy. It came to a point na it would only be Xang and me na lang sana. Wow diba. Chos.

At around 3pm, Xang decided to watch a movie na lang with her boyf so her birthday celebration was rescheduled. But Idk when pa. I feel bad for her. I feel bad like/with her. Really. And I also feel kinda sullen towards the others.

But. Since it was rescheduled, Ken still has a chance to ask permission from his parents to be with me at Xang’s party. *crossfingers* And I hope the others would be able to be there as well. I miss them.

☒ I’m still upset, though. What’s happening to us, myGod.

☑ Just saw this on Tumblr. Couldn’t get more accurate… Dedicated to Ken, my one and only:

I hate you and then I love you. It’s like I want to throw you off a cliff, then rush to the bottom to catch you.

That’s my thought, exactly. Earlier today, when we were walking otw to McDo, Philcoa, he stepped on a puddle, that is full of germs and other icky microorganisms, as if he didn’t see it. Eeew. If he weren’t complaining about his semi-aching, wounded, wet feet before that, I wouldn’t have been so mad at him. (Hi, Ken! :* Haha) I kinda yelled at him pa nga eh. Kasi I was really super mad. I swear. Ang kulit talaga, hindi mapagsabihan. We ended up not talking the whole time that we were having lunch. Tengene that.

After about an hour ata, he told me he needed to go home na ‘cause he’s dizzy. But since he had to wait for his brother pa, we kinda chilled at my place na muna and waited for his twin brother there.

We ended up kissing and hugging and laughing, btw. It was such a crazy day… It was a crazy week actually. So many things happened. And they’re all insane… And very tiring. But aside from the madness and all the abnormalities of Ken+Me, we’re still super in love with each other, yay! And I’m sure as hell that I’m gonna stay in love with him for the rest of my life. *kisses*

☑ It’s less than a month na lang until my first FIRST! ♥ I’m so excited I can’t help but be giddy about it… And I am beyond happy and blessed that it’s with Ken.

Whoo. Party! ◕‿◕

****

In other news...
Ken was (kinda) looking at the underwear pages of the MSE brochure. I felt kind of ashamed with my body. Lol. What the hell. You could buy them for me naman my love. Ako na magsusuot para sayo! *wink*

Inay

2011-08-24T18:36:00.003+08:00

I miss Inay, my lola. Sometimes I feel like I could still visit her anytime at her home somewhere in UP Diliman. I used to visit her without prior notice. There was this time when Ken and I fought over something and then when we parted ways, I went to my lola’s house because I was so sad, I wanted to cry my heart out. At that time, there was no better place to do so than her home.

Oh, God. I miss her so much. I miss listening to her stories, sitting beside her, and just rubbing her back or playing with her hair. I miss her eyes that still twinkled despite their tired looks. I miss the way she fanned herself. I miss the way she looked at me. I miss how she said my name. I miss hugging and kissing her before I head home. And saying “I love you, lola.”

I miss everything about her… :(
I miss you, Inay. I love you so much.

%%%%

Related Posts:
29 MAY 2011 An Affliction That's All Mine
17 JUNE 2011 June 03 2011 ; Lea Andrea, Andrea

I Hate Sundays

2011-08-21T16:23:00.003+08:00

I love this song. But I hate Sundays. Because the following day’s Monday. And. There’s something about Sundays that makes me wanna kill myself. Lol. Seriously. I don’t know why it’s always gloomy for me. I never get to hang out with my friends on Sundays. Because it’s family day… And my family, on most days, doesn’t get along really well. Chos. Therefore, Sunday as family day doesn’t work for me. I hate Sundays.

Ellipses

2011-08-17T22:11:00.008+08:00

I was walking home after watching another movie at the UPFI today when I suddenly felt cold. It’s a good thing I grabbed a jacket before I left home earlier. Apparently, I was walking with Bea and her friend Trisha along Balagtas Street. I was with them but not really with them…

I was kinda lost in my own world thinking about trivial things. Looking up at the magnificent moon on the night sky, I absent-mindedly placed my hands on each front pocket of my jacket. And then it hit me.

Nostalgia… It’s a bitch in its own way. I felt odd; I had to conduct a reality check. I kinda felt like I was walking somewhere in the streets of Baguio. It just rained, hence the cold night air.

I made a trip down memory lane. I remembered those nights in the City of Pines when I had to walk home by myself… Those melancholic walks that usually occurred in the middle of the night… That pathetic feeling of alone-ness… of not having someone to walk with… Those things were the only stuff I had that time. Things that I could actually call mine. The suffering and longing that I felt then was only mine, anyway. Sucked me dry…

It was depression in its unique form. Well, I’d like to think it was unique… That I am unique. I guess that’s what we all have in common. The feeling of uniqueness… Yeah, we all have that.

Anyway. Although I spent most of my nights in Baguio walking alone, I still love it there. Those walks made me think of where my life’s heading. Too bad I only think about them… I never do anything to improve my life, up to now. So… Whatever.

I was reminded of that feeling tonight... That sad, dramatic, I’m-a-living-nonsense-my-life’s-not-going-anywhere feeling… *sigh*

I briefly re-evaluated my life... And realized I’m still the same me. Not much has changed. Sure, I’ve learned a lot from my experiences… But I still can’t say that I’ve grown up even a bit. I still don’t know what I want want. I’m not exactly doing anything useful with my time.

I’m just a brat wanting and making other people provide me with my “needs.”

My obnoxious self’s still with me so I had nothing else to do but hate and complain.
I fucking hate myself right now……

Moving on... Before I knew it, we reached home already.
I guess I should dust off these negative feelings for now.

EIGA SAI 2011 at UPFI: 1 Million Yen Girl

2011-08-17T17:57:00.012+08:00

My sister and I watched this movie just a few hours ago and the ending was super bitin, I wanted to kill myself. Lol. OA. But seriously! Why does the ending had to be super open-ended?! That’s its essence, I guess…? Chos.

One Million Yen Girl is about a girl who was just released from jail and was having a hard time getting her “normal” life back. She served time in prison due to a crime she committed because she felt so bad when her roommate dumped a kitten that she found. She was very mad so she threw out all of his things; hence, she was charged with some criminal action cheneloo. Oh, well… One could never imagine the things we cat ladies do for our felines… Hehe. She realized that she couldn’t live in her parents’ house anymore, so she looked for part-time jobs in different places within the country. Whenever she’d have 1Million Yen in her savings, she’d start to move into a different place. She dislikes getting to know people and sort of hides the fact that she’s an ex-con.

When she was on her third job, she fell in love with her co-worker whom she thought was just being with her because she has money. In the end, it turned out that the guy was just borrowing money from her because he doesn’t want her to get that 1Million threshold and leave town.

Okay, I’m so sorry I’m spoiling the movie. But! Uhm. I’d like to think that the guy in the movie failed to do his best to show the girl how much he loves her, that’s why she ended up leaving him anyway. She felt that she was just being taken for granted. Yeah, I thought that, too. Oh, God. Affected much?

The guy decided to tell her the truth so he rushed to the station but they didn’t meet. The movie ended there. And I was super nabitin, it’s frustrating. I’d like to think that they did meet, though. TeeHee.

****

You could catch the Japanese Film Festival at the UP Film Institute in UP Diliman. Just visit THIS PAGE for more info. I’d be there again tomorrow and on Saturday, btw. See yah! ;)

(Yay, you read my blog! *HUUGGS*)

Mardy Bum

2011-08-17T12:15:00.005+08:00

Well now then Mardy Bum
I've seen your frown
And it's like looking down the barrel of a gun
And it goes off
And out come all these words
Oh there's a very pleasant side to you
A side I much prefer

It's one that laughs and jokes around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it's right hard to remember that
On a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on

Well now then Mardy Bum
Oh I'm in trouble again, aren't I
I thought as much
Cause you turned over there
Pulling that silent disappointment face
The one that I can't bear

And yeah I'm sorry I was late
but I missed the train
And then the traffic was a state
And I can't be arsed to carry on in this debate
That reoccurs, oh when you say I don't care
but of course I do, yet I clearly do!

****

I remember April calling me Mardy because of this song. She says that I reminded her of the song when she first heard it somewhere. Like, this is our theme song already. Lol. I guess she thinks that this song sums up or summed up our relationship. Hahaha. Yeeaaah. Whatever relationship we had/ve…

Therefore, every time I hear this song, it reminds me of April, as well. And I sometimes wonder if I was really like that girl. I have different personality types, anyway. Right, Ken? Hehe. When I heard this song this morning, I thought this really describes me whenever I had fights with someone… In this case, with my boyfriend na lang. Yes, we often argue like that. I never like myself, too, when I’m in my disappointment face. Hehe. Can I just say that I love this song?

Anyway. I said I have many personality types. Well, I confuse even myself sometimes. One minute I’m so happy and then I’d be super irritated the next. With no particular or valid or sensible reason. I know I’m better off with my erratic emotions, but I just can’t disregard them whenever they hit me. I’d think that I could just shake them off and assume a positive vibe, but when I’m on it, I just can’t make those emotions fuck off. WTH. I’d just sort of require whoever I’m with to deal with me, whatever I may be. I can’t deal with them by myself. I’m sorry.

I Want You So Bad

2011-08-16T23:54:00.003+08:00

I want you to moan...
I want you to gasp in my ear, pretending like you're trying to hide the sound, like you're trying to smother it, but I still hear it.
I want your fingernails to dig into my skin and your lips to move faster and harder and deeper against mine.
I want your eyes to roll back in your head and your body to push into mine, until we're sticking to each other's skin.
I want to feel the heat radiating from your skin,
I want to feel your muscles shake against my flesh.
I want you to beg and
I want you to throw your head back, shuddering for breath.
I want your neck to be exposed for me to bite and your chest to be bare so it can be skin on skin, flesh on flesh.
I want my legs wrapped around you,
I want us to grind on each other so hard it makes your muscles clench and your jaw drop and your face to tense in ecstasy.

** Got this from Tumblr.

AAFC Installation

2011-08-16T20:11:00.001+08:00

On Sunday, August 14, the installation of officers of the Ambrosio A. Flores chapter of the Order of DeMolay was held here at QC. I didn’t know there was an upcoming installation, my sister just told me. Anna, the first Rainbow sis that I’ve ever been close to, texted me as well. I wasn’t planning to attend but since it’s been awhile since I saw them, I just agreed.

I wasn’t prepared so I had nothing to wear. I just decided to wear slacks so as not to get too much attention (and because I’m sure Ken won’t really like it if I showed off). Heehee. I was in all black, by the way.

Since I am too lazy to share everything here, let me just say that the installation turned out nice. It made me miss my orgmates in Baguio, though. Truth be told, I wished it was the Baguio chapter’s installation that I was attending. It’s been more than a year already since I saw them eh. Plus, I know most of the sisses there. And because I am soooo much closer to their chapter than any other DeMolay chapter, I could act more like myself with them. I just miss that… And staying up so late and drinking ‘til I’m drunk during the fellowship. I just miss those things, but don’t mean I want them now. *Ehem*

Anyway, I still had fun. Something happened between my sister Mitzi and the new MC pa. It’s kinda funny but jerk-ish at the same time. Lol. Everything turned out okay in the end, anyway. And Mitzi got her bouquet of flowers earlier. Yay! Now, ain’t that sweet? Sa MC, so much for being apologetic, huh? Hehe. Puppy love… Hahaha. Chos.

If you're one of my contacts in FaceBook, you'd be able to view the photos HERE. Yiehee.

You Be My RPattz

2011-08-16T20:06:00.006+08:00

Never mind the title. Hahaha. So… Anyway. Being a huge Kristen Stewart fan that I am, am gonna share this picture lang. We didn’t actually copy this. It just sort of came out. Heehee.

Pwede na? Pwede! Haha. Ayos :*

In Deep Shit

2011-08-12T21:48:00.002+08:00

I didn’t think it’d be this hard to get my life back on track. I can’t seem to pull my shit together.

I’ve been through a point where I almost lost everything I valued, everything I wanted, the things I wanted to keep -- or thought I wanted to keep…

I’ve fallen, got up, lifted my chin, and looked straight ahead…
Somehow, I still can’t find my way back. Back where? I'm not even sure where.

It’s so hard; I really don’t know where I’m going.
I’m losing my mind.

I’m expecting a lot from myself that all the people around me are starting to be negatively affected and strained.

Sure, I want more…
But I only want more from no one else but me. I could and would never ask anyone else for something more than what s/he can actually give.

I guess it’s true what they say. That
Only you can make you happy. You choose to be.
Simply be happy.

Which is so goddamn hard, you’d just keep on being sad.

I could never fully satisfy myself. And it always leaves me wanting more.

I feel the need to constantly change my environment,
But I fail to change even a bit about me.

I sorta wanted to control the whole world. Because. But. Unfortunately.
I just couldn’t control myself.

Someone Like You

2011-08-07T14:03:00.001+08:00

Ang dami ko pinagseselosan. Insecure much. Hehe. Kayo na. I feel super bad na nga with the flu na nagpaparamdam na dumating… Was kinda having an argument with the boyf… Tapos may nakita pa kong nakakaselos concerning my other close friend. Have I been replaced? Chos. I feel so bad, gaddemit. I feel betrayed. Yeah, emo. Again.

I never imagined na Someone Like You by Adele yung bagay na kanta for us. For now…

I feel so sad and alone. I miss you :( I never thought na magkakaganito. It feels like the gap between us is starting to widen each day. Why. What happened. Where did we go wrong? Ang sakit lang. You’ve made your choice kasi. And I’m not saying it’s wrong. Whatever makes you happy, game ako. That’s why I really do hope you’re happy. I’m always here lang naman. Grabe.

Naiiyak ako.

It’s official; I’m such an addict.

2011-08-06T14:56:00.006+08:00

Before anything else, please watch this Nescafé Brown and Creamy ad featuring the super yami Coco Martin:

I wasn’t behaving properly during the last few days. And by “properly,” I don’t really know what I mean. Lol. It’s just that I’ve been more moody, I got easily irritated, became less interested about going online and staying up late, and kinda wished I were dead. Yuck, so emo. Chos. I felt really really restless, I wanted to sleep for a whole day. I even blamed my period at that time, but when I noticed that the period was already over but I was still my irritable self, just a little bit intensified, I realized there was something else that’s wrong with me…

After eating lunch earlier, I took Paracetamol (I’m allergic to Ibuprofen, btw), and made myself a cup of Nescafé Brown and Creamy (because I love Coco Martin like that). Heehee.

So anyway. It hit me, then. I realized, for the second time, that the reason why I’m having killer headaches is that it’s been a while since I got my caffeine fix. Was it two or three days? Not sure. But I sure missed drinking coffee. I kinda made it a point before that I should be drinking at least a cup a day. I just refused drinking coffee recently because it really doesn’t make me sleep and I sorta needed to get up early during the past mornings.

So I did some research. Again.

I’ve always known, though, that Caffeine, which is commonly found in coffee, is a drug that makes people stay awake and alert. It is actually, "the most widely used psychoactive drug in the world." Caffeine is a low profile drug also found in tea, cocoa, soft drinks, ice cream, chocolate, and some OTC drugs. Caffeine relieves tension headaches by constricting blood vessels. I’ve read that a combination of caffeine beverages and Ibuprofen actually relieves headaches faster and more effectively. I’m a living proof of that. The headache that was killing me for two days already gradually diminished the moment I had my coffee fix.

Wow. I’ve been suffering from terrible headaches because I missed drinking coffee and having my caffeine fix, but the moment I had it, it went away. So, the cause of and cure for this headache is coffee. Just wow. Parang sa love lang. Hahaha. Anyway…

Caffeine intake increases the secretion of norepinephrine, a neurotransmitter that is associated with the so-called fight or flight stress response. Hence, the resemblance of the symptoms of panic attacks. Too much caffeine intake leads to undesirable traits such as anxiety, nervousness, irritability, rapid heartbeat, depression, mood changes, and other psychological and physiological abnormalities. And here I am wondering why I usually wake up in the middle of the night suffering from breathing problems and increased heart rate. So, I now conclude that I’ve been behaving really weird lately mostly because of this caffeine abuse.

Btw, the symptoms of caffeine intoxication include:

Restlessness | Nervousness | Excitement | Insomnia | Flushed face | Diuresis | Gastrointestinal disturbance | Muscle twitching | Talking or thinking in a rambling manner | Tachycardia | Periods of inexhaustibility | Psychomotor agitation | Ringing in the ears or seeing flashes of light

Sad to say, I’ve been through all of that already.

So. Because of what I’ve read about Caffeinism today, I feel like I should stop wanting coffee already. It makes me go crazier and weirder than my usual self. I know it’s gonna be hard. But I don’t have any actual plan of dissing coffee pa naman. I’m still playing with that idea in my mind pa.

Sucks, though. Because I love coffee so much! And Coco Martin for that matter. Hahaha. Yaaaamiiii! ♥

Source:
Caffeinism: Symptoms and Remedies of Caffeine Addiction
Caffeine-related disorders

2011-08-06T13:41:00.000+08:00

I think this is beautiful.
(Source)

My First Heartbreak

2011-08-04T00:01:00.001+08:00

It was so depressing that it feels like it just happened yesterday. I didn’t even got the chance to see him but I miss him. I could still remember the pain it caused us that tears still start welling up on my eyes and a lump would suddenly appear on my throat.

I was really really hurt that time. I couldn’t explain the sadness I felt. It is actually the most painful heartbreak I’ve ever experienced in my whole life. I could still vividly remember my younger self, looking up on the sky and imagining my little brother dancing up above in heaven along with the angels of God. The image is so divine; it still brings me to tears.

He was something I desperately wanted to have, but never had. I wanted to be with him, to hug him, and to feel him. I never got the chance to do that. Looking back, I still couldn’t imagine the grief that my mom felt. I forgot what it was for her since I was trapped in my own devastation at that time. I am not yet a mother and I am not sure when I will be, but I am certain that the unbearable pain from losing a child is unexplainable. Maybe it will be like describing the colour pink to a person who was born blind. Unbelievably incomprehensible; no words will be able to describe it.

August 02. It was around four in the afternoon when we received a phone call from the hospital. It was my mom’s friend, who also happened to be a doctor. She was calling to tell my dad that my mom had a miscarriage. I remember myself peeking from our room. My dad was yelling so loud, it was like he could kill anybody with it. I was so scared of what might happen. Apparently, he didn’t know that my mom was pregnant. But I did. There had been a cold war going on inside the house for a few weeks already. Or was it months? They weren’t talking to each other, I kinda suspected a divorce approaching. Chos. Divorce my face. Lol. So anyway, my dad was so mad but he rushed to the hospital anyway. What could he do? It’s her wife and baby. He can’t just ignore them even if he wanted to. But he didn’t, okay.

The hospital did everything they can to save my brother. It was just downright impossible ‘cause his lungs weren’t fully developed yet and there was no way they could save it. He was only eight months at that time. My aunt told me that he was too beautiful to live; he deserves to be in heaven with the other handsome angels whose beauty the earth does not justify.

Today, August 03, is his death anniversary. I feel bad that I don’t know what age he would be right now had he lived, though. But I’ll let you know after I ask my mom.

I remember asking God if my brother could be our angel up in heaven. I was on tears, literally looking up above the sky. Thinking about the things that could have, but didn’t. Until now, I’m not sure who’s to blame. Actually, I’m not sure if someone should be blamed. I guess not. It’s just that sometimes, bad things happen to good people.

Even if I didn’t have the chance to meet him outside of my mom’s womb, hug him, nor be with him, I just wanna say that I love him. And I miss him with all my heart. So yeah, I guess it’s possible to miss someone you never actually met. I miss him with all my heart; I wanna spend some time with him. I love him. He’s something I never had, but couldn’t ever forget.

His name’s Andrei. I like to think that he got the name from me and my lola. Hee ♥

Ugh, Damn Levine

2011-08-03T22:27:00.001+08:00

If you couldn't be on my bed right now, you gotta be on this blog.

My Seven Deadly “Sins”

2011-08-02T12:28:00.020+08:00

Lust: Something that I find attractive.
- Something? Change that to someone. Someone I find very attractive, of course, is Harold Kevin Legaspi Yoingco. He never fails to satiate the lustful energy I have in my body. Yeah, there’s that. Heehee. I love him so much.

Pride: Something that I like about myself.
- Something? Well. I like my body; its curves, the fact that it’s somewhat asymmetrical, the excess fat that hangs anywhere. Lol. And I love my face; my somehow crooked teeth, my gorgeous smile, my bedroom eyes… Plus, I like the fact that I seem to attract wonderful people by just being me. I kinda hang on the fine line between being a saint and Satan’s apprentice. Yes, I suck at making decisions and choosing what roads to follow but despite everything I’ve been through, I never lose my ground. I know who I am and who I’m not. I never take anyone for granted. I try to be as nice as possible, but never pretentious. I love myself.

Sloth: Something that I dislike about myself.
- I just rather wish I could handle my emotions better. I always let what I feel take over my thinking. When I’m angry, I fail to count to ten. I could only count to five and then I’d burst already. Most of the time, I’d say things I never should have said.

Envy: Something I wish I was better at.
- I wish I could dance very very well. I swear I dunno how. During high school, I envy the girls who could memorize dance steps easily. Uhm... Wait. I can dance naman. Lol. I just have a short-term memory loss. Heehee. I could never seem to follow the right moves at the right time. I suck at dancing. I’m a frustrated ballet dancer pa. I wish my parents enrolled me in a ballet class when I was a kid. Tsk.

Gluttony: One of my favorite foods.
- Chocolates, forever! No explanation needed.

Wrath: Something that gets me angry.
- People with shallow minds who think they’re special and more important than anyone else in the world. Well, I think I am special. But I never think that I am above anyone. We could all feel special in our own ways without making other people feel inferior, right.

Greed: Things I can’t get enough of.
- Ken (equals Love), of course, and everything he does to me. Coffee. Sweets. Sleep. Food. And books! Rawr.

Truth Is.

2011-08-01T19:03:00.001+08:00

I could never agree more.

Am I into deep? Have I lost my mind?

2011-07-31T18:49:00.004+08:00

You were having lunch while I just sat there looking at your face. I pondered about the softness of your skin and the hardness of your perfectly chiselled jaw. I couldn’t believe I’m with you right now. You could be with any girl in town but you still chose to be with me... I felt the strong need to plant kisses on your face. If only we weren’t somewhere public, I would have touched your face, made you face me, looked deeply into your eyes, and caressed your lips with mine. I didn’t do anything, though. I just sat there looking at you… Feeling kinda tired but not really. I was adoring every inch of you face, loving every handsome feature.

After a few minutes of being lost inside my head, you pulled me back to the moment. You asked me what was wrong. I said nothing and kind of looked at myself in the mirror. I surveyed the room and told myself that you were the best-looking boy in the room; you in your sexy black shirt. And I was just the lucky girl.

I love you, Ken.

****

When I get upset, I shut down. I feel like I should be crying or screaming or something. But I can't. Because I'm turned off. I go silent and don't talk very much. I just sit there. And think.

Pass My Shotgun

2011-07-31T13:17:00.002+08:00

PMS:

Psychotic Mood Shift
Plainly Men Suck
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface

****

I was having some sort of shitty days lately because of the goddamn PMS. I wouldn’t want to blame my hormonal shit but, really, it’s the reason why I feel unpredictably annoying (even to myself, yeah). I am no master of my emotions and am not proud about that. But no matter how hard I try to control them, I never win. I just have to let them all out just like what my favourite author Paulo Coelho said; Emotions are like wild horses, set them free. I’m still trying to figure out if that’s good, though.

Anyway. Yeah, I know I’m PMS-ing when I’m PMS-ing. I feel easily irritated, moody, intensely emotional, etc… I feel stupid. I hate myself. I hate everyone around me. Though I know that all those feelings are because of the hormonal changes inside my body, and that I shouldn’t let them affect me, I just feel helpless. I can’t do anything but just go with the flow and let those fucked up emotions take over. Sucks. But there’s nothing I can do about that. I can’t pretend something I don’t feel. I’m not plastic. Hrhr.

Some people might not be able to understand. The boyfriend actually told me once that I couldn’t just blame hormones or some other chemicals in my body ‘cause it’s me, simply ME. Like I could control what to feel, choose not to be angry, twist up a frown, blah, blah… Well. I can’t. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t do it.

Idk about you ah, but this is really me, having monthly PMS (Premenstrual Syndrome).

****

PMS:

Psychotic Mood Shift
Plainly Men Suck
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface

Damn Palahniuk

2011-07-27T20:16:00.005+08:00

Just few minutes ago, I decided to join Chuck Palahniuk’s website widely known as The Cult. I’ve been visiting this site since I started reading his works and became a fan but the reason why I just joined the site is still kinda vague… Nah. It’s actually because I didn’t know I could join the community. Haha! Yeah, that’s why.

The boyfriend told me the other day that Palahniuk has a new book but forgot what title. I was just browsing my Tumblr dashboard earlier and found it there, right in from of my eyes. So the book’s called Damned and I’ve read that it’s about an eleven-year-old girl who ended up in hell due to an MJ overdose. I want to read the book ‘cause it’s written by Chuck Palahniuk and I’m kinda interested how the story in hell will unfold.

But to be honest, I’m not sure if I’d like this upcoming book because the main character’s only 11. And I have a thing with age. Haha.

****

I’ve been reading Pygmy since May (?) and I haven’t finished it until now. Why? Well, it’s about a 13-year-old Chinese boy who went to United Sites as an exchange student to infiltrate American households and I just can’t relate to what he was doing. I’m not saying I felt some deep connection with the other Palahniuk main characters that I got to know, but I just like them more than I like Pygmy (not that we’re close). Heehee. For me, Pygmy is just not a page-turner. Plus the English is so barok so I’m having a hard time literally reading it. I swear I’ll finish that book, though.

****

Damned is set to be released on October 18 this year.

So Damned is about an eleven-year old girl who wakes up basically and finds that she is in hell and that she's dead, and that she's going to be eleven-years old and dead in hell for the rest of eternity. So she has to, number one, make friends and figure out how hell works and make the best of it. But she's also got to figure out why she's in hell and how she died, and then ultimately whether or not she wants to petition to go to heaven, to try and uncover some mistake that might have been made. So it's about an eleven-year old, a very optimistic, cheerful, pushy little girl who finds herself in hell.
-- Chuck Palahniuk

And this book is automatically added to my book list. So many books to read, so little time... *sigh*

15 Styles of Distorted Thinking

2011-07-26T00:51:00.004+08:00

via EWU Access

1. Filtering

You take the negative details and magnify them, while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. A single detail may be picked out, and the whole event becomes colored by this detail. When you pull negative things out of context, isolated from all the good experiences around you, you make them larger and more awful than they really are.

2. Polarized Thinking

The hallmark of this distortion is an insistence on dichotomous choices. Things are black or white, good or bad. You tend to perceive everything at the extremes, with very little room for a middle ground. The greatest danger in polarized thinking is its impact on how you judge yourself. For example-You have to be perfect or you're a failure.

3. Overgeneralization

You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, you expect it to happen over and over again. 'Always' and 'never' are cues that this style of thinking is being utilized. This distortion can lead to a restricted life, as you avoid future failures based on the single incident or event.

4. Mind Reading

Without their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you are able to divine how people are feeling toward you. Mind reading depends on a process called projection. You imagine that people feel the same way you do and react to things the same way you do. Therefore, you don't watch or listen carefully enough to notice that they are actually different. Mind readers jump to conclusions that are true for them, without checking whether they are true for the other person.

5. Catastrophizing

You expect disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start "what if's." What if that happens to me? What if tragedy strikes? There are no limits to a really fertile catastrophic imagination. An underlying catalyst for this style of thinking is that you do not trust in yourself and your capacity to adapt to change.

6. Personalization

This is the tendency to relate everything around you to yourself. For example, thinking that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to you. You also compare yourself to others, trying to determine who's smarter, better looking, etc. The underlying assumption is that your worth is in question. You are therefore continually forced to test your value as a person by measuring yourself against others. If you come out better, you get a moment's relief. If you come up short, you feel diminished. The basic thinking error is that you interpret each experience, each conversation, each look as a clue to your worth and value.

7. Control Fallacies

There are two ways you can distort your sense of power and control. If you feel externally controlled, you see yourself as helpless, a victim of fate. The fallacy of internal control has you responsible for the pain and happiness of everyone around you. Feeling externally controlled keeps you stuck. You don't believe you can really affect the basic shape of your life, let alone make any difference in the world. The truth of the matter is that we are constantly making decisions, and that every decision affects our lives. On the other hand, the fallacy of internal control leaves you exhausted as you attempt to fill the needs of everyone around you, and feel responsible in doing so (and guilty when you cannot).

8. Fallacy of Fairness

You feel resentful because you think you know what's fair, but other people won't agree with you. Fairness is so conveniently defined, so temptingly self-serving, that each person gets locked into his or her own point of view. It is tempting to make assumptions about how things would change if people were only fair or really valued you. But the other person hardly ever sees it that way, and you end up causing yourself a lot of pain and an ever-growing resentment.

9. Blaming

You hold other people responsible for your pain, or take the other tack and blame yourself for every problem. Blaming often involves making someone else responsible for choices and decisions that are actually our own responsibility. In blame systems, you deny your right (and responsibility) to assert your needs, say no, or go elsewhere for what you want.

10. Shoulds

You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act. People who break the rules anger you, and you feel guilty if you violate the rules. The rules are right and indisputable and, as a result, you are often in the position of judging and finding fault (in yourself and in others). Cue words indicating the presence of this distortion are should, ought, and must.

11. Emotional Reasoning

You believe that what you feel must be true-automatically. If you feel stupid or boring, then you must be stupid and boring. If you feel guilty, then you must have done something wrong. The problem with emotional reasoning is that our emotions interact and correlate with our thinking process. Therefore, if you have distorted thoughts and beliefs, your emotions will reflect these distortions.

12. Fallacy of Change

You expect that other people will change to suit you if you just pressure or cajole them enough. You need to change people because your hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them. The truth is the only person you can really control or have much hope of changing is yourself. The underlying assumption of this thinking style is that your happiness depends on the actions of others. Your happiness actually depends on the thousands of large and small choices you make in your life.

13. Global Labeling

You generalize one or two qualities (in yourself or others) into a negative global judgment. Global labeling ignores all contrary evidence, creating a view of the world that can be stereotyped and one-dimensional. Labeling yourself can have a negative and insidious impact upon your self-esteem; while labeling others can lead to snap-judgments, relationship problems, and prejudice.

14. Being Right

You feel continually on trial to prove that your opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and you will go to any length to demonstrate your rightness. Having to be 'right' often makes you hard of hearing. You aren't interested in the possible veracity of a differing opinion, only in defending your own. Being right becomes more important than an honest and caring relationship.

15. Heaven's Reward Fallacy

You expect all your sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if there were someone keeping score. You fell bitter when the reward doesn't come as expected. The problem is that while you are always doing the 'right thing,' if your heart really isn't in it, you are physically and emotionally depleting yourself.

( FromThoughts & Feelings by McKay, Davis, & Fanning. New Harbinger, 1981. These styles of thinking (or cognitive distortions) were gleaned from the work of several authors, including Albert Ellis, Aaron Beck, and David Burns, among others.)

****

I've always known I have a thinking problem. Tsk. Tsk.

DATE A GIRL WHO READS

2011-07-24T23:46:00.005+08:00

This just gotta be on my blog.

DATE A GIRL WHO READS
by Rosemarie Urquico
(In response to Charles Warnke’s You Should Date an Illiterate Girl)

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat, Harry and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

Can Look, Can’t Touch

2011-07-24T20:26:00.009+08:00

Last night, the boyfriend and I were kinda arguing about looking, observing, ogling over some random person we see on the road. Uhm… Okay, I must admit he caught me staring at least twice already. And I can’t deny that I do stare… Sometimes. Heehee. I can’t help it. I usually stare at anybody, god/goddess-like and even at grotesque human beings. It just so happened that when he caught me staring, my eyes were on someone drool-worthy. Oh God. Fine, I’m exaggerating.

When he’s accusing me of staring at someone, I defend myself by saying that it’s okay, no harm done. He’s still (and will always be) the person I love. True fact. I sometimes use excuses like; I’m just looking at his cool shirt/piercings/tattoos, blah, blah, blah. And in reality, I really am just looking at those things. It just happened that the owner of these things is handsome. Hihi. He uses those excuses, too.

So… There. I don’t deny staring... But he does. I might be wrong, okay. He tells me that he’s not checking out the hot girls on the parking lot, he was just wondering why they were running or something. And that no, he’s not looking at the girl-on-the-jeep’s flawless legs, he was looking at her necklace. But since when were necklaces worn around the thighs? Weird. Right.

I know that I can’t be a hundred percent sure that he was staring since he won’t admit it. But why would he? I’m totally lost here. My mind doesn’t want to clear destructive thoughts that lurk. All I’m saying is that it’s okay to stare. I won’t die if he did. It might make me a little insecure but I’m still the one he would be kissing later, right?

Personally… I would never be able to defend myself as to why I look at other people. Because it might also seem like I was looking at them but in my head, I am not looking, like, looking at them. And I am not and will never be fantasizing about them, alright. My eyes might be on them but my mind’s not. Like when you’re “nakatulala,” you’re just absent-mindedly staring into space. I might be looking but whose waist were my arms wrapped around, anyway?

I am so full of contradictions. I don’t even understand myself.
And I dunno how to conclude this post. We would forever be arguing about this issue, I’m sure.

(I kinda feel like I shouldn't have posted this...)

0724 Blah

2011-07-24T19:18:00.004+08:00

Hi. So. Uhm. I kinda feel like I should update the blog na. But I dunno where to start. I guess I’ll just go on blabbing about anything until I produce a decent enough note to post… Hay. I am losing a lot of brain cells each day.

****

During the previous week, I’ve been looking for and applying in a lot of jobs that I find online. And so far… Well… I haven’t received any feedback from them yet. I want to have a regular or part-time job already. I need to earn na. I figured I am not sure yet when I’d graduate, so I think it’s better if I were earning some money already. So. Ayun.

If you know any part-time job somewhere in my area, please contact me :(

****

In other news… I’ve been spending a lot of time with the boyfriend, yes… Pero it kinda feels like kulang pa rin. We do a lot of talking, cooking, eating, walking, cuddling, and other intimate things together… ;) But they’re still not enough. I just wanna be with him 24/7. Yeah, I just can’t get enough. Do we really have all the time in the world? If so, why do we feel like there are so many things to do but time’s just not really enough? I really don’t know how to prioritize.

My siblings and I were watching The Good Guy on HBO the other day and the leading man said something like, Love is the only important thing in the world and that everything else is just a distraction. Some people would tell us that Love is THE distraction. Having crushes and going gaga over somebody to the point of forgetting to study are what seems to be distractions that divert our attention from the important things. But really, we have different priorities and only we, our inner selves, could tell us which is a distraction or not.

I can’t agree with the movie yet; that everything else is just a distraction, but Love… But I do believe that to be able to survive the pressures that come with life, we should always be accompanied by Love. How would be able to survive without it? Love surely makes the ride worthwhile.

****

So. I have two pregnant cousins as of the moment. And they are in different situations. Cousin 1 seems okay with everything, but cousin 2 is sort of having a hard time dealing with it. A number of family issues are involved and not everyone has already come to terms with the fact that cousin 2’s pregnant. Sad… I am more compassionate with cousin 2 ever since. Heehee. They are both my junior. I have mixed feelings about this pregnancy thing. Really. I don’t even know how to talk about this coherently. So…

I bet my parents are thankful that I haven’t jumped into the bandwagon yet. And I don’t want to, okay?!
I sincerely wish and told her already that everything will be okay… That’s what we’re all praying for.

****

Uhm. That’s it for now, earthlings… :* :*

In Watchlist

2011-07-19T15:05:00.005+08:00

HNNG! Movies I can't wait to watch:

And of course Snow White and the Huntsman, starring Kristen Stewart, which will be released next year. Ugh. Can't wait!

2011 Book List

2011-07-17T16:20:00.020+08:00

Because I can't last a week without having to read any novel or short story, at least, here are the books that I would want to read for the year 2011. So, please help me, God. It's either I buy them all or look for a friend who has any of these and then borrow. Pssshh. The bookworm self of mine is one of the reasons why I need to have a job already. Sucks. We really need to work for the things that make us happy.

1. A Song of Ice and Fire

---- I am currently addicted to the HBO series Game of Thrones that is based on these novels. I just can't sit here and wait for the release of Season 2 on 2012, so I feel the need to read the books already. I love the characters so much; I had a quick connection with them after watching the first season. And I am more than willing to explore more of their personalities by grabbing a copy of these books. George RR Martin seems like a bad-ass.

2. Millennium Series

---- I’ve read the issue about Stieg Larsson’s death in a newspaper and started to be so interested about his life and his trilogy. I heard that it had good reviews so I tried reading the first novel The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo last year. I kinda complained that it was so long but I did enjoy reading that book later on. It was overflowing with complicated concepts that I didn’t really understand at first, but I finally got a grip on them. Whew. I even thought that the book isn’t for me. But the next thing I know, I couldn’t get enough of it. I even downloaded from the net the movie adaptation starring Noomi Rapace. I would have read the 2nd book immediately but can’t get a copy of it yet due to lack of money. Heehee.

****

I have a long list pa.. :( But. Well, that's it for now, right. I can't wish for more books to read right now unless I start grabbing a copy of the titles above first. Books by Chuck Palahniuk and Haruki Murakami will always be in my mind, though. They are my favorite authors, along with Paulo Coelho and Neil Gaiman. I should read ALL of their books before I die. I swear.

BOOKS I'VE READ: Snuff. Rant. Surivor. Lullaby. Pygmy.

BOOKS I'VE READ: Kafka On The Shore. Norwegian Wood. After Dark. Blind Wilow Sleeping Woman.

BOOKS I'VE READ: ALL including Like The Flowing River which is not on the image above.

BOOKS I'VE READ: ALL except M Is For Magic, Neverwhere, and Stardust.

****

So. Friends, lovers, readers, I assume you already know what to give me as presents, yes? :D
I do not claim the photos above :* :*

The Nail Biter

2011-07-15T01:09:00.004+08:00

This photo reminded me of the love of my life, Ken. He has this nail-biting habit. And it really annoys me sometimes. It's kinda disturbing. So whenever he does this, I always pull his hand away from his mouth. I just don't like the sight. It's like he's being nervous about something I have no idea what about. It bothers me.

I would've posted this on his Facebook wall, but he deactivated his account yesterday and I'm not sure why.

(Image from This Site)

Losing Your Identity When In Love?

2011-07-15T00:07:00.006+08:00

(This is a re-post from THIS SITE)

... Life is just wonderful and both of you are having the time of your life. Days pass and things settle into a routine. You admire him and he admires you, both of you want to please each other. It has been a harmonious relationship because you adjust with him and like him for what he is. Sometimes this is where things start to break up...

... Love is always considered as a mutual relationship of caring, mutual respect for each other and thus sacrifice and compromise to make each other happy and contended. Compromise is a very important aspect of a love relationship... It is important to be yourself, only then can you enjoy. It is again important to know your partner well and be accommodating at most times...

Many times women in a relationship stop talking to their long time male friends in fear of partner not trusting her. It become tough for her as she loses someone whom she genuinely enjoyed talking to and had a clean relationship... If you love going to parties, and your partner hates it, you need not be submissive and not go for it. Instead, talk to each other... When in love there is a tendency of doing a lot of things for the other person, in the process one forgets one’s self. That is a real issue and you will not be absolutely happy forgetting yourself. If someone likes you, it is for what you are; so DON’T CHANGE YOURSELF.

Love yourself first. Only then can you love someone else wholeheartedly... Communication can make or break a relationship. Talk things out to each other... Don’t lose your identity in the process of loving someone. Be yourself, it surely can make your love life an amazing experience for life.

PLEASE READ THE WHOLE ARTICLE HERE ♥

Elegy

2011-07-14T15:41:00.004+08:00

George O'Hearn: Beautiful women are invisible.

David Kepesh: Invisible? What the hell does that mean? Invisible? They jump out at you. A beautiful woman, she stands out. She stands apart. You can't miss her.

George O'Hearn: But we never actually see the person. We see the beautiful shell. We're blocked by the beauty barrier. Yeah, we're so dazzled by the outside that we never make it inside.

He Was A Quiet Man (Favorite Scene)

2011-07-11T04:16:00.009+08:00

Bob: I'm not the one who has a problem. I don't need any help. *panting* Do I?
Vanessa: Bob, everybody needs help sometimes. There's nothing wrong with that. Look at me. Without you, I'd either be hopeless or dead.

****

Vanessa: So you have a problem, so what? I'm gonna help you through this. You just need the courage to do the right thing.
Bob: What is the right thing?
Vanessa: To do what's in your heart. And you need the courage to face that.
Bob: It's easier to find when I'm with you.
Vanessa: And if you feel it's slipping away, just look into my eyes and it'll be right there.

****

This scene happened during a fight between Bob and Vanessa. He asked her if she loves him and she couldn't answer saying that love is so foreign to her. He was devastated and was already leaving when she shouted these words.

And then I remembered Ken. And our fights. How walking out seemed easier than staying and trying to fix the problem right then and there. Ugh. Upon watching this scene and hearing these words, I reminded myself to try to settle misunderstandings on the spot, when we’re still together. Easier said than done, right. That’s why I’ll try. ‘Cause it’s harder to leave important things unsaid.

****

Here is the trailer of the movie He Was A Quiet Man, btw: ★★★

Franz

2011-07-09T00:34:00.003+08:00

Last night I dreamed about you. What happened in detail I can hardly remember, all I know is that we kept merging into one another. I was you, you were me. Finally you somehow caught fire.

— Franz Kafka to Milena Jesenska, 1921 (source)

I write differently from what I speak, I speak differently from what I think, I think differently from the way I ought to think, and so it all proceeds into deepest darkness.

You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet, still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.

Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.

We need the books that affect us like a disaster, that grieve us deeply, like the death of someone we loved more than ourselves, like being banished into forests far from everyone, like a suicide. A book must be the axe for the frozen sea inside us.

If the book we are reading does not wake us, as with a fist hammering on our skull, why then do we read it? A book must be an ice-axe to break the sea frozen inside us.

SOURCE

Sexciting

2011-07-07T23:38:00.007+08:00

I just wanna emphasize how much I love these parts in a woman’s body.
Semi-Nude Photos Alert!

I guess I do have Lesbian tendencies nga. Haha! Nah. I just want those parts on me. Haha. And I swear I'm working on it. Ooohh. Why is it so hard to exercise but so damn easy to eat every food I see?! Grabe lang.

(The photos are not mine! Just got it from Tumblr)

Closer: Where is this love?

2011-07-07T22:57:00.003+08:00

Alice: I would have loved you… forever. Now, please go.
Dan: Don’t do this, Alice. Please, talk to me.
Alice: I am talking. Fuck off.
Dan: I’m sorry. You misunderstand! I didn’t mean to.
Alice: Yes you did.
Dan: I love you!
Alice: Show me! Where is this love? I can’t see it, I can’t touch it. I can’t feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can’t do anything with your easy words. Whatever you say is too late.

(From the wonderful movie CLOSER)

Dress Up

2011-07-07T16:17:00.008+08:00

I love these dresses so much, they just have to be here.

Halston cocktail dress ca. 1980 via the Indianapolis Museum of Art

‘You can wear black at any time. You can wear black at any age. You may wear it on almost any occasion. A little black frock is essential to a woman.’
— Christian Dior

Alexander McQueen “Widows of Culloden” dress ca. 2006

Evening dress from auction | c. 1950s

‘One is never over-dressed or underdressed with a Little Black Dress’
— Karl Lagerfeld

You can see more on this blog: MORBID FASHION

Hello, Baguio?

2011-07-07T01:44:00.006+08:00

Because I really need to let my feelings out na…

Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve spoken of Baguio City and my dire need to go up there na and see and be with my Baguio friends. Earlier today, when we were sitting by the Sunken Garden at UP, I looked up in the heavens and wondered what I would be doing if I were still in Baguio. (I am so sorry Ken for being not there with you in that few moments…) I guess it suddenly popped in my mind because before that, we were walking along the academic oval and I missed my long walks along Session Road. Nostalgia’s a bitch and it hit me on the head just like that, without any warning.

So, I was sitting there with my loving boyfriend and then I just wondered what April and/or my brods and sisses were doing at the moment. I wondered if JoDeRa still spends their free time on the tambayan at the lobby. I wondered if April was with her lover cruising along Session Road and if Kat’s just at home, listening to her emo playlist (I love you, Kat :P)…

I remember that there is an upcoming event on Sunday involving my beloved friends and I really don’t want to miss that. If I only had money and I didn’t need to ask my parents for it, I would already be a hundred percent sure that I’ll be there. Oh, God… Please heed my prayers. I hope that when I wake up tomorrow there’d be more than enough money for the much-desired Baguio trip under my pillow. Or should I be asking the tooth fairy? Haha. Kidding. I just really, really, really want to visit Baguio again. I miss my friends there and I am so sure they miss me, too.

My most recent Baguio trip will be exactly a year ago on July 10. I left manila on July 09, 2010 and then I arrived there at midnight. Stayed there until July 17… Whew. I missed my sister’s birthday (July 15) because of that. And I’m not so apologetic to say that I don’t regret that... (Hi, Mitzi! :D) Heehee.

See! It’s almost a year since I was there. That’s why I really want to go there this weekend. I kinda have some plans na on making that dream come true. I just really, really wish it would work… *crossesfingers*

I am now accepting monetary donations, btw :D Just PM me! ;) Hep! Just kidding!

Related Posts:

- Okey na?
- Smoke And Mirrors (2)
- HD To The End of The W

0706 Thoughts

2011-07-06T20:01:00.005+08:00

I’m not mean. I’m just me.

****

If someone did me wrong, I swear I’ll make that person regret it. I forgive, but I never forget. It’s not safe to say that I get even because I don’t always have the capability to do that. I kill them with kindness. I make them regret what they did by showing them I don’t deserve any of it.

****

I could only ask you to do something for me for a specific time. I know my limitations. So, if you’re not willing and I don’t want to persuade you anymore, then you can forget about it. But when I start putting on a frown, a nagtatampo face, and an okay-fine-whatever attitude, don’t start to enamour me because I can’t promise you that would work. We’d just both be in a bad mood.

****

I know I can’t get everything I want. But that doesn’t mean I’d stop wanting them.

****

I'm not mean. I'm just me.

Angelina Jolie (in Original Sin) Appreciation Post

2011-07-04T04:21:00.012+08:00

Instead of being on my bed at 2:30 in the morning, I was with the goddess Angelina Jolie watching her in Original Sin as Julia Russel/Bonny Castle. I forgot when I first watched the film so I impulsively decided to watch it again. Not because of the hot love scene, mind you. Anyway, since this is an Angelina Jolie appreciation post, here are the photos I print-screened while watching the movie:

With the equally stunning Antonio Banderas:

I wish I looked this lovely when I cry... *sigh*

There you go, loves. I hope you enjoyed viewing these screencaps as much as I enjoyed watching the movie.. ;D I know this post isn't enough. Well, you've gotta watch the movie yourself, right?

Smile!

2011-07-03T22:52:00.008+08:00

I wanted to share here what we did during the last week of June 2011 but I rather keep it between us. It’s not that it’s too personal. I just don’t want other people fantasizing about my guy and to start envying me. Chos. Haha. I am really lucky that I have someone so wonderful fall in love with me. Uh-huh. And I’ll always be thankful I met him and have him in my life for as long as we both shall live. Yeah, rock on! :P

So instead of boring you with last week’s sexy details, I just made this collage through Smilebox. And as you can see, it showcases our happy and sweet moments together.

Personalize your own picture collage

♥ Ang amateurish nga lang. Hehe. And... Yeah, I'm cheesy like that. Hahaha.
Oooohh. I just can’t imagine life without this amazing human being... And I am so glad I don't have to.

KStew In Black

2011-07-03T03:23:00.003+08:00

I love Kristen Jaymes Stewart so much, I just feel like putting this image here. Those legs are to-die-for!

Toblerone Notes

2011-07-03T02:17:00.005+08:00

On March 23 2011, I joined this Love Notes contest on Facebook sponsored by Toblerone. Participants were to write phrases or short sentences with a maximum of 330 characters that would start with the letters of TOBLERONE, respectively.

Though I didn’t win, I like the note that I did. And this was the first time I ever joined an online contest. Wee! So without further ado, this was my one and only entry:

T - ake me to a place we can call our own
O - ut of this world to make our dreams come to life
B - ound by our love, nothing can set us apart
L - isten as my heart beats out your name
E - ach memory we make will let us live through another lifetime
R - emind yourself of my undying love
O - nly you can save me
N - ever doubt all I say
E - verything I do, I do only for you

I love Toblerone! Chocolates… I was hoping they’d give me one-year supply of their goodies if ever I won. Yeah, that was all I was after.

But of course, the boyfriend is and always will be the inspiration to every creative thing I do. Kisses :* :*

Looklet

2011-07-02T01:36:00.011+08:00

There’s this website called LOOKLET where users and visitors can be stylists for their own sake. It’s specially designed for fashion enthusiasts. You can choose your own models and then there’s this column beside it where the clothes and other fashion accessories are itemized. I found out about it on Tumblr (I learn a lot through Tumblr, grabe) and then I started to become addicted to it, to the point that my eyes will start to hurt already and I’ll lose sleep. Just kidding, I don’t spend my nights styling their models. Hehe.

Anyway. You might want to check out their page HERE. And then you might as well check MY PAGE and then add me up! :D It’s as easy as one-two-three.

I joined Looklet on April 17, 2011. And so far, I have created 6o looks. Here are the samples:

Currently Watching: Camelot

2011-06-30T01:07:00.008+08:00

The image above is from the conversation between Morgan (Eva Green) and Guinevere (Tamsin Egerton). It occurred before Morgan asked Guinevere about what she thinks of King Arthur. Morgan was discreetly trying to find out what Guinevere feels about him. Guinevere's feelings, though, was pretty obvious and it could be clearly seen in her eyes and on how she reacted when the king's name was brought up.

Camelot is an Irish/Canadian historical-fantasy-drama television series based on the Arthurian legend. It was produced by Starz cable network and GK-TVseries and premiered on April 1, 2011.

(My edits aren't pro. Am sorry.)

Breaking Do/awn

2011-06-27T23:27:00.009+08:00

“I hate the feeling when you know you’re going to cry. Your lips quiver, your heart pounds, your eyes sting. Your face clenches up, and then the tears start to fall. You can’t stop them no matter how hard you try. And it’s not little tears that slide down your cheeks, it’s big tears that make your eyes red and puffy, your face tear-stained and your body heave. You can’t stop the tears, and as you lie on your bed alone, you think of what you could have possibly done to stop the pain. Stop the suffering. Stop this, stop what you’re going through. But there’s nothing you can do, nothing anyone can say. It’s the kind of tears and pain that need to be cried out, not talked out. And you know you’re hurting the people you love, but you can’t help it. And sometimes, you just don’t care…”

Why do I feel like I wrote the note above? It’s so accurate; it has everything I ever want to say about breaking down. Every time I cry, I always remind myself that I would write about it, about how it usually starts, and what it physically does to your whole face and body. But it’s not that easy to describe. You have to actually feel it to be able to write about it coherently. Still, I can’t. I guess I’m not that good at writing, yet. Oh, well. But when I saw this on Tumblr, I felt like this was actually written for me, or that I wrote it myself. It’s so accurate; those feelings described there are what I EXACTLY feel when I cry.

****

~~Stop bullshitting me, people. I don’t really care about anybody but myself right now.~~

Chos. I’m not claiming I know everything, but I really know how to read people. I can see right through you, bitches. I may know about you more than you know yourself. Sucks, right? Well, I was born this way. MyGod.

I’ve seen this kind of situation before (involving my ex-housemates). I even blogged about it on Live Journal. Too bad, I deleted that account already. I know my life isn’t perfect and I have no absolute right to tell anybody what to do and feel regarding his or her life problems. I just can’t help seeing anybody get hurt. Especially the people I love. I tried protecting them from stuff, but in the end, they still do the destructive things they do. I just end up telling them, “You should have listened to me, I told you so.” Yeah, I’m psychic like that.

I know feelings are fluid. They can instantly change without you realizing it. One moment you’re so high, and then the next thing you know you’ve already hit rock bottom. I, myself, am made up of different moods that randomly show their faces without my knowledge. Yes, I’m kinda fucked-up in the head. Whatever. I can be very sensitive at times. Then I act like I don’t care about the whole world. Sometimes I feel like I can be the hero that everyone’s waiting for. I feel like I could save everybody from all their hardships. But I can’t even save me from myself. I hurt my belly from laughing so hard, and then a few minutes later I’d just feel my eyes sting.

I kinda hate people who want to me out but never actually listen to what I say. That’s simply pointless, like this post.

AnglabopaAnobanamanyan.

****

And for the sake of the title of this post, here's the trailer of Breaking Dawn Part 1, the fourth installment of the Twilight Saga. FYI, I AM NOT A FAN of the book nor the movie. But I love Kristen Stewart to the fullest. Just grin and bear it.

Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep

2011-06-27T22:05:00.001+08:00

A poem written in 1932 by Mary Elizabeth Frye.

Yieehee

2011-06-26T02:48:00.002+08:00

I forgot where I got this image but I had this since June 2010. It gives you that Awww… moment.

If I had known Ken since 2005 and we’d been together by that time, I would think that he wrote this about me. Haha. He’s the kind of guy that would say exactly what was written on the image above. Heehee. He’s just that sweet, even sweeter! After nine months of being together, he still makes my heart swoon. And I know he will always be capable of doing that.

Although I don’t really have a to-die-for jaw line and long, captivating eyelashes, I’m sure he loves my face. He isn’t a pussy and he most certainly deserves my love. Right, sweetheart? :* :*

And of course, we were made for each other… ♥

0623 Blah

2011-06-23T17:36:00.001+08:00

This is my Emo post for June.

Ang sakit ng ulo ko, tinatamad ako magEnglish. Anyway. Ang sakit ng ulo ko. I woke up around 2pm na eh. Maybe that’s why. And some shit’s happening in my life right now. And I don’t wanna deal with it. Ever. I just want to lie down in foetal position and cry.

I am so close to wanting to die again. Chos. //wrist. I feel so empty and alone. I want to runaway with myself, by myself. This is one of those days when I don’t wanna interact with anybody. I just want to sleep all day. I was kinda praying last night na sana di na ko magising. I need a loooong sleep. Kahit tatlong araw.

How could I ever deal with life when there are mornings that I wish didn’t exist. Nakakatamad na buhay. Ay apo.

KattLeya

2011-06-20T12:38:00.001+08:00

(This is one of my favorite pictures of her kasi I took this. Hehe. You'll always be my little girl.. :P)

So... How would I ever start talking about Katrine Mae Bernadas?

Uhm. Uh… Ang hirap. This girl’s a combination of every special and weird thing in the world. Describing her in one word, one paragraph, or one page will never give justice to what she really is in real life. Hehe.

I would have wanted to share here the story of how we met. Kaya lang nakalimutan ko na yung specific detail. Hahaha. Basta she was my bloc mate in college at UP Baguio and she was the bloc head. What I remember is that I didn’t like her instantly. I was sort of irritated with her pa nga because she seemed so maligalig than what I would have liked. I realized later on na she’s the kind of girl I somehow want to be. I admire her strength, her ability to understand others, and her capability to give huge amounts of love without really asking for anything in return. She’s too good to be true.

She is always nice to everybody. I remember being irritated, again, due to this one time when she was being extra nice to this person I don’t actually like. Like, “Why are you trying to be friends with that person? I don’t like her!” But I didn’t tell her that. She’s free to make friends with anyone she likes naman eh. I was kinda jealous lang that time. Kasi having many friends mean less time for me. And I am soooo possessive like that. Hehehe. At wala akong someone nun so I needed her as my girlfriend. Waha.

Like most relationships, of course we had our ups and downs. I think we had more exchanges of silent treatment than any other mag-bestfriends have. I even wondered once if we were really just friends ‘cause I was starting to look at her as a lover na. HAHAHA. Kidding! Pero I considered that ah. Oh, God. Whooo. Confessions galore. Uhhmmn… Okay, don’t take that seriously.

We had two (or was it three?) MAJOR away already. We didn’t spank each other or pulled each other’s hair. Di lang kami nagpapansinan ng maataagaaaal na panahon. I tried making lambing and everything pero wala talaga. Mas ginusto niya atang umiyak or ayaw niya na talaga ko makasama >.< We’re emo like that. But I am proud to say that we braved these storms. We love each other so much that’s why we set aside these tribulations and continue being bestfuckingfriends. And I am so happy that I still have her in my life.

Anyway. I think what led to these away was my desire to place everything to where I wanted them. I wanted the things and people around me to be what I wanted them to be. I unconsciously tried controlling her. But Kat can’t be controlled kasi she’s a wild girl at heart. Hehe. And birds of the same feather flock together. Bow.

After the difficulties we encountered, I realized I can’t tell her who she should be. I was just her bestfriend. She has her own life and there’s no way I could tell her what to do. I could only give her my advice and opinions. And that was what I did in the end. She always listened to me naman. She always did her best to hear me out. And I love the fact that what I had to say was very important to her. She made me feel so special, so important, and so needed. She made my birthdays extra special. There was always a surprise birthday party for me. At gastos nia ah. Makapanlibre lang… :P Haha. And I am so, so, so, very thankful for those times.

She genuinely knows how to treat people the way they want to be treated that’s why they stick with her. She has the ability to make you feel special and loved. She was also a sweet roommate/housemate, btw. I loved it when she used to wake me up every morning ‘cause she prepared breakfast for us. Most of the time, whatever’s on the table is my favourite. Ugh. That’s why I love her so much. She always makes me happy. She would lay down on my bed and try to rouse me with her sweet voice. She’d greet me good morning and ask me to rise and shine ‘cause the food’s ready na. I kinda felt like a princess when we were living together. Hee ♥ I really really hope na I made her feel that way as well.

She deserves more than what I gave her. I just want her to be soooo happy. I even told her na if I were a guy, I would do everything to make her mine. It would be my goal in life to make her more than happy. She deserves that. Too bad, we’re just meant to be BESTFRIENDS. Forever and ever. And it’s one of my duties to make her happy.

She is someone I wouldn’t allow myself to lose. She’s a precious human being and I would hurt anyone who hurts her. Even myself… OhYeah. She’s more than a sister, a lover, a bestfriend. I see parts of myself in her and those parts will never be erased. It would remain with us forever.

Kat, my BFF. My sweet little thing. The one person I miss hugging…
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, My Dear! *Yaakaaaap* I miss you so very much. I miss US… >:(

Lea Andrea, Andrea

2011-06-17T15:05:00.000+08:00

I couldn't find a very recent picture of us together. This is very low quality pa since I don't know what gotten into me when I cut the edges when I was still in elementary. Heehee. So. I think this would do. This was during my first birthday, btw. Hehe.

June 03 2011

2011-06-17T15:01:00.000+08:00

June 03

It was about two hours past noon when my parents decided to check on my lola at her house that’s one jeep away from ours. I remember being sort of mad with my mom about some issue that was probably about my studies, or whatever. I was surfing the net when Bea, my sister, suddenly came downstairs from our bedroom. The irony of it was that she was beaming. She told us the news that shattered a small part of ourselves. My lola just died. And although a million things were going on inside my mind, I continued Facebook-ing. I grabbed my phone and read the same message from my mom. My lola was already dead, so we should get ready ‘cause my parents would fetch us anytime.

I remember not crying immediately upon hearing the news. None of my siblings did. Maybe we were still absorbing the fact. Denying it. Telling ourselves, we already knew this would happen. Thinking about what just happened and what else would come. Everyone was already waiting for it, but was hesitant to accept the fact. Personally, I was already anticipating her death. I even blogged about it here. The news was depressing. We just had to console each other and believe that she wonderfully lived her 86 years. Inay, my grandmother… The one I got my name from… She did have a great life.

%%%%

The night of her death, we were at St. Peter, Quezon Ave and while waiting for her body, we listened to my tita Lucy as she told us about my lola’s last minutes on Earth. No one was crying. We had our straight faces on and our tsk-tsk expressions. We were grieving but no one was strong enough to shed tears at that moment.

I was there with my mom, four siblings, two cousins, and two aunts. We, the “kids,” were even joking around and were even taking each other’s photos in stupid poses. It wasn’t like someone has just died. It was like we hadn’t come to terms with the fact, yet.

A few hours have passed and my lola, in her coffin, had been taken to her room in St. Peter, at last. Everyone grew quiet. It was as if the concept that we were so dreaded to face had finally shot itself in our direction, so we couldn’t do anything anymore. When the staff from St. Peter has finally arranged her into place, no one seemed to want to look down at her coffin. For the record, on that night, I didn’t dare look at it. I wasn’t scared. I was just so sure I’d cry a river if I did. So I waited for a few more days.

I couldn’t remember now who looked at her first. Maybe it was my mom, or one of my aunts. What I remember the most was that my cousin, KC, was silently crying, and I couldn’t help it, I was sure I’d cry, too. I hate seeing someone cry. Makes me want to cry so bad as well. And the sorrow inside the room was hard to bear so I went outside. My brother and KC’s brother followed me. We just sat outside, grief-stricken but were unable to shed tears. I didn’t want to cry. I was thinking that I had to be strong for the others. I could cry by myself later.

So, that was what I did. The moment we got home, I washed my body instantly and then went to our room to lie down on my comfortable bed and cry my heart out. I couldn’t help thinking about me and my lola’s precious moments together. She was with me during my childhood. I remember her watching telenovelas, latin tv series, and prime time shows while I was busy playing with my toys. I remember her sitting on the front porch, fanning herself. I remember how she’d get mad at me whenever I do something unfavourable. And that my way of getting back at her was by stealing chocolate bars in her mini store. She seldom gets angry. She was always nice to people. I don’t remember anyone being mad at her. She was a woman with few words, big loving heart, and fervent spirit. And I probably inherited those traits from her. Heehee.

The night that she died, I remember I cried, and cried, and cried until I fell asleep.

Press Esc

2011-06-02T23:39:00.000+08:00

This entry is so emo, you wouldn’t want to read it.

xxxx

Praying was your last option. You asked the lord to give you the strength to slide that cutter down your wrist. You were not planning to kill yourself. You just wanted to feel something. Or forget something. Well, you could. It’s in your hands.

“Come what may,” you told yourself. As you pulled it down, metal to flesh, you actually heard it cut your skin. You felt the stinging pain… the burning sensation.

But. Whatever. To your surprise, it kinda felt good. It didn’t really hurt that much. You settled on your bed, contemplating on the pain… The pain that was... Burning. Stinging. Throbbing. You raised your hand then licked the wound as your blood trickled down. You had a taste on victory. It wasn’t actually sweet. Nor bitter. It was just right.

Whatever pain you were feeling earlier was materialized. You saw it, felt it, and even tasted it. You almost forgot your point of self-mutilation.

You felt good... Relaxed… You were in another realm. Wanderlust. Every damn thing that concerned you moments ago felt like a dream.

Who is he, anyway?

xxxx

I do not encourage slashing, cutting, self-harm or whatever. This is just an anecdote I made. And please take note that this isn’t REALLY about me. I’ve been through that stage, true... Okay. Enough said. I respect everyone’s opinion about the topic, okay. No one has the right to judge anybody, anyway. We’re the only one who knows the extent of our own suffering… So.

Idk. Just let me be.

2011-06-02T02:18:00.000+08:00

I don’t talk with words. I speak with actions.
And all my movements talk about you.
All the perfect moments that stick with you,
they become memories and you can’t just dust them off…
Because they stick like cigarette smell on your clothes.
It lingers in the air just like my favourite perfume,
and drags me to bed like the invisible thread of sleep.
There’s no escaping the feeling; it’s excessively obvious.
It’s like sunbeam trying to conceal itself in the middle of summer
at noon.

(November 15 2010 @ McDonald's : 0425PM)

The Truth behind That Fateful Day of May 2010

2011-06-02T01:56:00.000+08:00

It was almost the end of May 2010 and classes would soon start. I had myself enrolled at the UP Open University and was very hopeful that things would turn out positively for me regarding my academic life. This was another turning point in my life and I was very serious about making things work properly for me.

I was getting dressed on that Saturday morning for the orientation for the new students of my new school and I swear to God I was really nervous. I even asked my best friend to accompany me since I felt like I would just fret, whine, and be depressed about the whole thing. After all, it was due to my laziness and irresponsibility that I transferred to another UP unit.

I decided to put on a white shirt, black jeans, and my black chucks, plus my usual accessories. I wasn’t planning to make paCute to anyone, anyway. So, it didn’t matter what I looked like. I remembered what my guy friend, Pem, used to say. “It’s all in the face.” Like no matter how badly you’re dressed, if you’ve got a nice face, it won’t ever matter. Anyway.

When I arrived at the NCC building along CP Garcia, I saw Diane waiting for her friend, Hannah, who’s also a new student. Diane was a senior at UPB and she just transferred to UPOU like me. She introduced Hannah and me to each other then we three decided to stick together during the whole orientation.

We entered the hall exactly when the program was about to start. Most people there looked beyond our age so I kinda felt out of place. My mind was actually not in that place at that time. I was constantly checking on my nails, admiring the blueness of my nail polish.

After a long period of nonsense whatever, I noticed a particular guy, who was sitting somewhere in front of us, stood up. I guessed he’d probably go to the restroom. I was so bored out of my wits; I even considered following him and making some eye contact, maybe? I thought he kinda looked good and there’s nothing wrong if I’d flash him one flirty smile, right? I wasn’t dating anybody, anyway. Heehee.

But. Because I was too polite to bother the people who were sitting beside me, I decided to shrug off the idea and just stay on my place. It’s possible that I might be seeing him again, anyway. I assumed he’d be in one of my classes or whatever. But. I wasn’t that interested naman. Whatever.

After about an hour or so, and a whole lot of questions asked, the orientation was finally over. My new found friends and me agreed to let the other people exit the hall first. We were not in a hurry or something naman.

When I was walking down the steps on our way out of the building, I saw two guys in front of where I was standing. They were puffing their cigs and were looking on our way. They seemed to be observing the people making their way out of the building. I decided that they were brothers ‘cause they look so much alike. I was very sure that one of them was the guy that I was thinking about stalking earlier. He was the shorter one.

I made a split-second empty eye contact with him and then continued on my way. I was supposed to get my books but when I saw the long queue, I decided I’d just go home.

So. I didn’t think that guy, the one who probably went to the restroom, the shorter one, whom I think kinda looked good, would be introduced to me and later on be my boyfriend almost four months after that 29th day of May, 2010.

Landeh… :P

An Affliction That's All Mine

2011-05-29T16:41:00.000+08:00

Weakness.
Tears. Shameful Cries.
Shameful?
You can’t hide them.
But pretend to, at least.
Courage. Lacking.
You lack courage.
Not being strong enough
to drive all
the fears and worries that eat you up.
You wish you could
bottle them all up.
Every little thing
that burns up
the faith you have inside.
Amidst all the chaos…
Uncertainty,
and confusion.
Reaching up to the
hopes, lies, promises…
That are left.
Pretense. That’s all there is to survive.
To hide.
And pretend.
Pray…
That you could be saved.
That you could save…
Someone
who means so much to you…
Who made it possible
to give you life.

It can’t be wasted.
You still have so much
to give.

****

I despise the fact that you’re not strong enough to face this... to handle this… to accept the truth… tell us what to do. And I hate it that we are so alike in that aspect… and a lot more others. I need you to be strong for us. Choose courage. Provide us the strength we need. We can’t handle this without you. It hurts not discussing things. Pretending like nothing sorrowful is about to come.

****

Such frailty.
I just can’t look you in the eye.
It’s hard for me. I can’t take it.
Such frailty.
It’s destroying us both.

****

The reason why it was hard for me to see you right now is that I know I won’t be able to look at you with such peacefulness required. I never want you to see in my eyes the burden of the thought --or the fact-- that you’ll be leaving me soon. The weight of the words is very consuming; it’s making me so weak just thinking about them. I can’t take it. Not now. Or ever. I keep on denying it. I keep on denying that what you’ll be presenting us is part of life. It’s eating me up right now. Everything that has passed keeps on coming back. The good memories and the not so good ones. All of them are part of my childhood that I would never ever be able to forget. They are making me remember them with such brevity, recently. And I can’t do anything but cry. I hate myself for crying.

I would never be ready when your time here on Earth’s up...
I would never be able to understand death… and life… for that matter.

****

I won’t be able to forget the feel of your hand in mine, today. The way you squeeze it every time I say “I love you” makes me look away because of the tears that start to swell up in my eyes. I just can’t look you in the eyes and say that everything will be fine. I don’t feel fine. I am sorry. But still. It really feels good to see you smile despite everything. I tried to sport my best smile, too, and pretend like I’m the most beautiful lady you’ve seen. The way you looked at me actually made me feel like I was an angel. I want your suffering to go away already… But I don’t wanna lose you yet… :((

I love you, Lola. Always. I will always love you.
And take you with me wherever I go. I have your beautiful name, after all.
I love you.

Quagmire

2011-05-24T23:02:00.000+08:00

Quagmire. That’s my word of the day, by the way.
-- A difficult or precarious situation; a predicament.

xxxx

“The limits of the universe of your mind and those of the universe of your self rarely coincide. The former has none; the latter defines you.” (Ramoya, 2007, from Live Journal)

I was browsing over my writing journals from the past when I bumped into the quotable quotes I had written down from one of my instructor’s blog site. I remember that during the time when I was reading it, I was so down and depressed and I could totally relate to what the whole blog was about. I even thought that we were so alike in almost every way. Kidding! No fway. Of course, she’s wiser than me, has more life experiences, and she is far more talented in so many ways that I could ever think of. She was my Philosophy teacher, btw.

What I remember most that time was that I realized that whenever someone breaks our hearts, we kinda go through almost the same phases, situations, thought patterns, feelings, etc. Point is, all heartbreaks, in whatever angle you look at it, are usually the same.

Ayoko na magElaborate. Di naman ako heartbroken ngayon. Hehe. I would have shared here the link to that blog site but I kinda lost it when I deactivated my Live Journal account due to personal reasons. Chos. I’ll try to look for it again, though. But I’m not sure if hers was still active. Anyway… It was also because of one of her posts that I decided to read Milan Kundera’s The Unbearable Lightness of Being. The book is super worth it to read. I started to love Milan Kundera because of that. Anyway…. You might wanna check the movie, too. Hehe.

I might share here some of Ms. Ramoya’s quotes, that are my favourite, next time. They just don’t fit me right now since I am so happy and so in love. Heehee.

xxxx

“Leaving or letting go is not, and never will be, my forte. I’ll hold on to anything as much as I can. Really.”

This time, that quote is from me… :P I saw it on one of my journal page dated May 03, 2010. I think it was supposed to be an opening sentence to a promising entry that didn’t ever happen. Oh, well…

Maybe next time.

xxxx

Saw this on one of the pages as well. The list is actually long pero ito na lang yung safe eh. Lol. So…

November 2009
Share lang. Medyo cool kasi. In a puzzling way. Hehe..

1. One night, I was thinking why this particular classmate of mine does not wear his blue Superman shirt anymore. It just popped into my mind. I remember thinking that he looked super good in it kasi. Anyway… The next morning, I bumped into him at school, and voila! He was wearing it. It was such a coincident or something.

2. November 24: Kanina I was reading the short story entitled “Chance Traveller” in Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman by my favourite author Haruki Murakami. The book talks about coincidences, chance encounters, etc, and how these things affect our lives. It was said there that everything is revealed to us in such a fashion that really takes our attention in order for it to be recognized. Well, tonight I am reading Milan Kundera’s The Unbearable Lightness of Being and the second chapter exactly talks about chance, too! Yun na yun. Haha.

Neither one of these incidents was anything special. It wasn't like my life turned in a new direction. I was simply struck by the strange coincidences - that things like this do actually happen. (HM)

xxxx

Uhm. Di ko alam bakit eto title ng post. Haha. Awkward... ;)

Sneaky Sunday

2011-05-23T19:39:00.000+08:00

In a supernatural world where my dreams exist and where people I want and don’t want to be with reside, I braced myself and dragged my body away from the burning car. It was a car accident. I ran as fast as I can away from the wreckage, afraid that it might explode any minute.

I could feel the heat of the atmosphere against my skin. The other vehicles were parked at about 10m away from the car that I was riding earlier that was now in flames. I heard some siren wailing. A few people were in some sort of panic.

And then I heard someone call me…

“Ate Ley. Uyy, ate Ley!”

I awoke with a start. Damn. Frowning as I struggled to look at the disturbance of my action-packed dream. It was just my brother. He was telling me that Ken’s outside… I closed my eyes again and lay down. Maybe I could still continue that dream if I slept asap?

BUT. Wait a minute. WHAT. OhMyGod! The love of my life’s outside. On a Sunday morning!

I stood up from my bed and hurriedly put on a more decent top and immediately ran down the stairs. I went to the sink, splashed my face with cold water, and then washed my mouth. I took a look at myself in the mirror and went outside to greet my love “good morning” and led him inside the house.

%%%%

Clearly, I was more than happy to see him. I didn’t ever imagine that he would drop by my house on that lazy Sunday morning. A few minutes ago, I was just having an interesting dream when someone who is far more interesting decided to pay me a visit. Not to mention that he is the guy I have so much love to give to... It was unusual and very gratifying at the same time since we rarely see each other on a Sunday.

He made that day brighter than the sun. Heehee. He replaced that action-filled nightmare with reality that is full of love, laughter, hugs, and kisses.

It was a perfect way to start the week, really. And I am so excited that we’ll be spending the next days of the week together again. Yey! :D He simply makes everything extra special. He drives bad vibes away and brings all the good vibes and happy moments with him.

He is unmistakably my one and only… ♥

(May 22 2011. And. Oh! Our 8th month together :P)

2011-05-23T19:01:00.000+08:00

When the person you love leaves you…
You move on. You start from scratch.
Restart your life. And all the promises and other lies go straight to the trash.
You don’t let that cripple you. You still have many miles to tread.

****

FOREVER IS

If forever were substantial,
It would taste like you.
It would smell like you.
And would be visible through your eyes.

If it were materialized into something,
I’m sure it would be you.
You represent the concept that is forever, in my life.

Forever isn’t enough to show you my love.
I may not actually believe in it,
But I believe in you.

Forever is nothing without you.
Forever is you. And me.
This love… Us.

(for HKLY. This may not be my best poem for you... Yet.)

Sylvia

2011-05-22T14:12:00.002+08:00

Sylvia Plath (October 27, 1932 – February 11, 1963) is an American writer whose best-known poems are noted for their personal imagery and intense focus. Sylvia Plath wrote only two books before her suicide at the age of 31. Plath's early poetry was based on then current styles of refined and ironic verse. Plath's Collected Poems (1981), assembled and edited by her husband, Ted Hughes, won a posthumous Pulitzer Prize. Hughes, who explained that he wanted to spare the children further distress, published in 1982 a heavily edited version of her journals. #SOURCE

Here are some of my favourite quotes and poems by her copied from GoodReads:

Mad Girl's Love Song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

%%%%

Cinderella

The prince leans to the girl in scarlet heels,
Her green eyes slant, hair flaring in a fan
Of silver as the rondo slows; now reels
Begin on tilted violins to span

The whole revolving tall glass palace hall
Where guests slide gliding into light like wine;
Rose candles flicker on the lilac wall
Reflecting in a million flagons' shine,

And glided couples all in whirling trance
Follow holiday revel begun long since,
Until near twelve the strange girl all at once
Guilt-stricken halts, pales, clings to the prince

As amid the hectic music and cocktail talk
She hears the caustic ticking of the clock.

****

"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt."

"Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you over dramatize it, or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to."

"Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing."

"Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I’ve taken for granted."

"Is there no way out of the mind?"

"And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long."

"I lean to you, numb as a fossil. Tell me I'm here."

"I didn’t want my picture taken because I was going to cry. I didn’t know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I’d cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full."

"I write only because
There is a voice within me
That will not be still."

"So much working, reading, thinking, living to do! A lifetime is not long enough."

"I guess I should have reacted the way most of the other girls were, but I couldn't get myself to react. I felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo."

"I wonder about all the roads not taken and am moved to quote Frost...but won't. It is sad to be able only to mouth other poets. I want someone to mouth me."

"Oh, something is there, waiting for me. Perhaps someday the revelation will burst upon me and I will see the other side of this monumental grotesque joke. And then I’ll laugh. And then I’ll know what life is."

"So many people are shut up tight inside themselves like boxes, yet they would open up, unfolding quite wonderfully, if only you were interested in them."

"I inhabit the wax image of myself, a doll's body. Sickness begins here; I am a dartboard for witches."

"This woman lawyer said the best men wanted to be pure for their wives, and even if they weren't pure, they wanted to be the ones to teach their wives about sex. Of course they would try to persuade a girl to have sex and say they would marry her later, but as soon as she gave in, they would lose all respect for her and start saying that if she did that with them she would do that with other men and they would end up by making her life miserable."

****

The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

"I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between."

"I like people too much or not at all. I've got to go down deep, to fall into people, to really know them."

"I don’t care about anyone, and the feeling is quite obviously mutual."

"I love people. Everybody. I love them, I think, as a stamp collector loves his collection. Every story, every incident, every bit of conversation is raw material for me. My love's not impersonal yet not wholly subjective either. I would like to be everyone, a cripple, a dying man, a whore, and then come back to write about my thoughts, my emotions, as that person. But I am not omniscient. I have to live my life, and it is the only one I'll ever have. And you cannot regard your own life with objective curiosity all the time..."

"If I didn't think, I'd be much happier; if I didn't have any sex organs, I wouldn't waver on the brink of nervous emotion and tears all the time. "

"With me, the present is forever, and forever is always shifting, flowing, melting. This second is life. And when it is gone it is dead. But you can't start over with each new second. You have to judge by what is dead. It's like quicksand... hopeless from the start. "

"Now I know what loneliness is, I think. Momentary loneliness, anyway. It comes from a vague core of the self - - like a disease of the blood, dispersed throughout the body so that one cannot locate the matrix, the spot of contagion."

"My world falls apart, crumbles, “The centre cannot hold.” There is no integrating force, only the naked fear, the urge of self-preservation. I am afraid. I am not solid, but hollow. I feel behind my eyes a numb, paralysed cavern, a pit of hell, a mimicking nothingness. I never thought. I never wrote, I never suffered. I want to kill myself, to escape from responsibility, to crawl back abjectly into the womb. I do not know who I am, where I am going—and I am the one who has to decide the answers to these hideous questions. I long for a noble escape from freedom—I am weak, tired, in revolt from the strong constructive humanitarian faith which presupposes a healthy, active intellect and will. There is nowhere to go."

****

The Journals of Sylvia Plath

"Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - so very much to learn."

"I want to write because I have the urge to excel in one medium of translation and expression of life. I can't be satisfied with the colossal job of merely living. Oh, no, I must order life in sonnets and sestinas and provide a verbal reflector for my 60-watt lighted head."

****

The Bell Jar

"We'll act as if all this were a bad dream."

A bad dream.

To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is the bad dream.

A bad dream.

I remembered everything.

I remembered the cadavers and Doreen and the story of the fig tree and Marco's diamond and the sailor on the Common and Doctor Gordon's wall-eyed nurse and the broken thermometers and the Negro with his two kinds of beans and the twenty pounds I gained on insulin and the rock that bulged between sky and sea like a gray skull.

Maybe forgetfulness, like a kind snow, would numb and cover them.

But they were part of me. They were my landscape."

%%%%

"Life has been some combination of fairy-tale coincidence and joie de vivre and shocks of beauty together with some hurtful self-questioning."

"I didn’t want any flowers, I only wanted
to lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.
How free it is, you have no idea how free."

"Let me live, love and say it well in good sentences."

"I don't know how long I kept at it...
I felt reasonably safe, stretched out on the floor, and lay quite still.
It didn't seem to be summer anymore."

"The silence depressed me. It wasn't the silence of silence. It was my own silence."

"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days."

"But when it came right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so white and defenceless that I couldn't do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get."

"I felt dumb and subdued. Every time I tried to concentrate, my mind glided off, like a skater, into a large empty space, and pirouetted there, absently."

"I wondered why I couldn't go the whole way doing what I should any more. This made me sad and tired. Then I wondered why I couldn't go the whole way doing what I shouldn't, the way Doreen did, and this made me even sadder and more tired."

"In a rabbit-fear I may hurl myself under the wheels of the car because the lights terrify me, and under the dark blind death of wheels I will be safe. I am very tired, very banal, very confused. I do not know who I am tonight. I wanted to walk until I dropped and not complete the inevitable circle of coming home."

"I didn't know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I'd cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady or too full."

****

Ariel: The Restored Edition: A Facsimile of Plath's Manuscript, Reinstating Her Original Selection and Arrangement

"If the moon smiled, she would resemble you.
You leave the same impression
Of something beautiful, but annihilating."

"People or stars
Regard me sadly, I disappoint them."

"And I a smiling woman. I am only thirty. And like the cat I have nine times to die."

0519 Blah

2011-05-19T12:59:00.000+08:00

What is it about the past that makes people so hard to forgive… and forget? Everybody has one. And at one point in our lives we may have come across an alley that is so dark we can’t deny we’ve been there.

Anyway…

I like Demi Lovato now that she has already stopped pretending. I realized now why I hate her before. May be I noticed that she wasn’t being true to herself. But now that she’d come out and accepted everything that she is, I think I’m starting to love her.

Hehehe. Anyway…

1235AM. I am so sad, I can’t explain what I actually feel. Well, there’s this heavy feeling inside my chest that won’t go away no matter how I sighed HEAVILY.

It just simply fucking hurts…
It hurts being in the wrong because of something that’s not entirely wrong.
I have no excuse for my past actions. I never regret them.
I won’t say sorry for how I am behaving in the present.
And I know I will never have any alibi for my future actions as well.
Whatever they may be…
I love who I was. I love who I am. No matter how deranged I appear.
And I will always love myself.

I’ve never hurt someone on purpose. Never. Not even in my wildest dreams.

(Oh. There are too many I’s in this note. Self-centred much?)
*Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

THIS: Chapter 1

2011-05-16T04:44:00.000+08:00

CHAPTER ONE

She was stunned when she saw the new addition to the class. She looked at James’ direction and noted that he was staring back at her. Puzzled. Or was he also thrilled? He must be thinking the same thing. It was clear in his eyes. Or so she thought. Like Careen, he noticed that the girl look exactly like someone he and she were used to being around. The newcomer met his gaze then smiled instantly. James is no doubt the best-looking person in the room. He returned the gesture then looked down at the book on his desk to organize his thoughts. Could she be the girl they swore to forget? Was he mistaken when he thought that Careen must have been thinking the same thing? He decided to speak to his best friend later. Careen was caught off guard when she noticed the exchange of smiles. She was excited for a minute before worry finally took over. This can’t be happening, she said to herself.

They met at the cafeteria by lunchtime. The two of them only share four courses out of seven and only two of those are taken for the day. Psychology 140, with the course title Personality, is scheduled first thing in the morning at eight o’clock. Careen’s second class, right before lunchtime, would be an Introduction to Logic while James’ is Math 100. The next class for the day that they were classmates would be Speech. A rumour about them having a romantic relationship is starting to spread. James never thought of Careen as more than a reliable friend. His best-est friend. Sure, they have been through tough times together and have known each other since childhood, but he can never look at her in a more than casual manner. He believes that Careen have the same idea in mind. They sat at their favourite spot by the window overlooking the small park. Children of varied ages are playing near the pond while their mothers or guardians are watching them from the mat-covered grass. It’s a Saturday and most people are out for a picnic with their families. For Careen, it’s a good thing that their school is located near a park. She likes being surrounded by many people now. Not that they have to care about her or something. She lets time pass by just observing them and managing her thoughts, minding the things that make her world turn at the moment. She and James were sitting there for almost a quarter of an hour now.

She decided to break the silence. “Could she be who I think she is?”

James looked up at her from the cup of coffee in his hands. “So, you are indeed thinking the same thing about her huh?” They were looking deeply in each other’s eyes, lost in their own thoughts, when he finally said, “Yes. I think she could be your sister. They never found a body right?”

That was entirely the farthest thing from what she wanted to hear.

....

Time passed quickly. She had spent nine hours in school and now she’s home. She still couldn’t believe whom she saw in school today. It was her sister. No doubt. She looks exactly like Camilla. Only sweeter. She looked really stunning when she stood there in front of the class. The new girl in school, who was introduced as Janine, is far more polished than what Careen’s sister would be if only she had lived with their family. She went straight into her room to check the pictures of Camilla that she have. Since she disappeared, Careen never looked at those pictures until now.

Careen had trouble sleeping that night. She always had a problem getting sleep quickly but still she felt that it was the longest night in her entire life. She was thinking so much about that girl Janine and her huge resemblance to Careen’s dear sister Camilla. She wondered if James might be feeling the same thing. After all, he is considered a part of their family and they have known each other since childhood. As Careen looked in the mirror that night, the smiles that had taken place between Janine and James early this morning crossed her mind. She knows how much James loved or still loves her sister. Now that Camilla might be alive in Janine’s facade, they would look good together.

It would be alright if only Careen does not love him and did not swear that she would love no one else.

2011-05-16T04:36:00.001+08:00

Being recklessly in love is reckless. Well, duh! Redundant much?
It’s such a risk that’s really kinda hard to take. But you wouldn’t always actually think about falling in love, right? You just do. And before you know it, you really are deeply in love with someone already.
It’s dangerous. It could be unstable. It hurts most of the time it sucks.

Sometimes you’d start to wonder if you’d rather be in the comfort zone…If you’d rather be on the sidewalk where it’s safer… If you should take things in the neutral manner instead…

No extreme highs, no ultimate lows. Just in between... Where nothing hurts… But there is no pleasure either.

2011-05-14T12:55:00.001+08:00

In other news…

It was his birthday, May 05. They spent it together. She was ecstatic since it was the first time someone ever told her he wants to spend his birthday with her. They definitely had a blast; though it was so hot outside… :P

She felt like it was HER birthday, not his.
She hoped he enjoyed it as much as she did.

♥ ♥ ♥

2011-05-14T12:54:00.001+08:00

I don’t know if it still mattered.
I’m not sure if I wanted to know.
I can’t bring myself to ask. Ever.

Yun lang.

Random Musings

2011-05-08T22:32:00.000+08:00

* It’s not as if you’ve known each other for years. Or months. For that matter. Yeah, I’m kinda jelly. Sux.
* I kinda hate you when we’re not together. And I don’t know why. It’s like I’m a different person when I’m not with you.
* Sometimes even when you want something so bad, you’re too shy to ask for it, or even mention it, because you know you’re just being selfish.

%%%%

What I love about talking to myself in the mirror is that:
1. I get to listen to my sweet voice. Lol. More of my paCute voice. Heehee.
2. I am able to observe the way I make my facial expressions; how my lips and cheek muscles move, how my eyes and eyebrows twitch, and the way each dimple (or line. haha) appear around the corners of my mouth.
3. I get to know what I want.

Talking to yourself is like explaining to your self some ideas that you’re not sure if you actually understand. Sometimes it’s like trying so hard to explain something to someone. Like what they say, it’s easier to understand something by trying to explain it to others. Why not do it to yourself?

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I confuse myself lately. I often laugh at something without realizing it. I’d just wonder why I did after I let out that heartfelt laugh. Is something wrong with me?

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I couldn’t believe it’s possible to feel so safe inside someone’s arms. And to hold that someone in your arms and be able to say that you finally know what your reason for living is.

…to look at another human being, thank God, and contemplate how blessed you are for loving him and for being loved in return…

I can’t believe we’re so in love. *Siiiigh*

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I’m already 21 but I feel like 17. Crap. Really. Sometimes I feel like I refuse to grow up and face things that a typical 21-year-old female should be facing. Grrrr.

Well, that’s it for now. I feel so uninspired. Will be working about it. Soon.